Glancing up at the title of my blog, I cannot help but wonder (haha) if it ought to be "wandering wonderer" instead of the reverse. By nature I am more of a wonderer than wanderer, and I think "wandering" is the adjective and wonderer is the noun. There's the overanalytical "wonderer" for you, but it also defines a bit of what God is doing with me right now. He certainly has a plan and I definitely do not know what it is exactly. I have purpose and vision, but no plan. Yesterday I told someone over a delicious plate of Thai food, "The further along I get in life, the older I become, the less answers I have." It's a new theme and a picturesque, terrifying place to be.
A dear friend and kindred spirit shared a set of verses with me that have fascinated in me in a curious, almost morbid sense. The Christian walk was never intended to be easy and I think even the term "walk" is deceptive. It certainly is more of a journey, with ups and downs, beautiful mountain peaks and dry deserts, the clear direction of Father and the echo of His purposeful silence. This chapter in 2 Corinthians really seems to outline that in verses 4-10:
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."I think that is the gospel illustrated by life in several ways. It does not make promises of ease but it does have fulfillment. There are no guarantees for selfish satisfaction, but it does tell us that we can come to a place of "always rejoicing." The Great Paradox has been such a theme in the mysteries Father speaks to me; I see it here as well. And as I do my last packing and glance over all of the details I have attempted to organize and God has graciously taken care of, I realize that He is giving me the opportunity to live this adventure. It is important, I believe, to share and give praise to God for the prayers He answers. So often I do not even catch myself breezing past an answered prayer to the next worry on my list. Okay, are you ready to hear what God has done for me? He has kept His promise to fulfill every need and work all things out for good for those called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28):
1) A car.
-I needed some way to get from place to place and I knew my funds were limited. In the process of praying over what to do, my parents offered to help me out and alot of boring details aside, they are getting a great deal on a car from a family member. It's a gorgeous Jetta (I cannot WAIT to drive it). The only prerequisite was that I learn to drive a standard. That has been quite the experience (a phrase I am becoming used to repeating) but I seem to be catching on a bit. Daddy's been so patient with me and made it as low-stress as learning to drive such a contraption can be.
2) A place to live.
-Oh my! What craziness this has been. There were so many back-and-forth issues and swirling unknowns about expenses, washers and dryers, sewage bills, and numbers of bathrooms that multiple times I fell apart on my strong tower of a mother with a sobbing, "I don't know!" In the end, God worked out the rent to one that will stretch me time and work-wise, but will not kill me to earn. It will make me appreciate things, I am sure, that I've taken for granted, as I am already realizing. We are on the second story and rumor has it that we have one of the best views in the complex, overlooking a river. (I'll definitely confirm that with pictures). What a favor of God -- an unnecessary perk like a great view! That blesses my aesthetically-driven soul to praise.
3) A roommate.
-There has been so much back and forth on this area that I will not even attempt to describe it. Suffice to say, there have been almosts and fall-throughs on multiple occasions and it stretched my sanity to the obvious point of tears and the hilarious point of random frustrated noises. In this area God definitely did His own thing with little regard to my comfort and I am so glad that has been the case! With my comfort, I would have had a roommate in March when all of this really took flight. But now with His design, I have a roommate who convinces me more and more each day that God has an intent with this relationship. I have yet to meet any of the three girls that will be sharing a home with me and that's one of the question marks that makes me bounce with anticipation. I cannot wait to tell you how each of the beautiful souls I'm living with are exactly what we needed to live and grow with this year. Pray that the "unity" would really be apart of the community I participate in.
4) A way to transport my stuff.
-The drive to Redding from DFW is three days without stopping (and stops of course would be necessary) plus the gas and stops make it extremely expensive. We did some estimating and it would cost about $5000 for my parents and I to drive out with my stuff and for them to return. Obviously, a huge cost that we needed to cut down. Mom and I are now flying out tomorrow and we needed a way to ship my things out (also an expensive endeavor). We ended up discovering that some friends of ours could get a discount on shipping with FedEx and they graciously shared it with me, cutting the would-be shipping cost to $800 less. Let me tell you, that was such a relief.
5) A job.
-My sweet managers at my Starbucks at home had some difficulty making contacts in Redding and I ended up having to pick up the phone to get a job in line. It was not too easy to figure out where I needed to transfer into and who to talk to about it, but in my search for roommates, I stumbled across the name of a partner in Redding named Kara. She gave me a list of numbers and stores, which ended up leading me to a hiring manager named Andrea. She and I got along so well that she decided to put me in her store instead of another, so she will be my new manager. Not only that, I will have the opportunity to experience opening a cafe from scratch! Everything I hear about it sounds like an adventure and I'm so blessed that God set me up with a manager who is easy to talk to (I prayed for favor in this area too, because I've appreciated having a fun, easygoing manager).
6) A renewed sense of calling.
-Amidst all of the craziness of packing, leaving, and working out jobs/roommates/apartments/shipping I found myself feeling overwhelmed and the goodbyes and suspense wore on my spirit. Many times I found myself asking, "Is this it, God? Am I hearing You correctly? Are You sure?" I am leaving everything that I have ever known and loved, which is something I've always wanted the courage to do... I just never knew that it would cost so much. It truly is taking nearly everything out of me, but I am finding that it is worth being precisely where God wants me-- why would I ever want to live outside of His purpose? There is so much fulfillment on the windy mountain that I cannot help but wonder if Abraham amidst all of the raging questions, the uncertainty, the fear, and the sadness felt a sense of purpose that made it all worthwhile, if with every knock-kneed step he felt the weight of glory in fulfilling God's calling. Of course, Redding is its own altar, but God has called me there to make me a promise, not to ask me to sacrifice one and I am grateful that it is the case [at least for the moment]. But I am learning to be open to sacrifice all things and lay on the altar anything even threateningly dearer to my heart than Him, especially my security in surroundings and people.
Wow, and there I have typed out a novel for you to read. I apologize for the length, but it definitely shows how much God is doing! I could still go on forever but for the sake of my time and yours, I just have a bit more to say. In all this moving out and being told that I am learning to live on my own, I have found just how much I cannot do anything "on my own." Truly without the support of so many I would not have the strength of resolve to do this. Particularly, I have to mention that there truly is no "on my own." This year would not happen primarily without God of course, but a close second is my parents. Never have I seen parents more willing to sacrifice, to dare their child to dream and then dare to let go, to know that mistakes are inevitable but a part of the molding of a firm personal faith-- so I dedicate this moment of excitement and anticipation to them, because it would not have happened without all they are and have done. (Thank you both. I love you).
By no means do I feel as if I have arrived anywhere and I am praying the love-crazy prayer that I never feel comfortable without Him again. My next entry will come from Redding; Talk to you then!
Prayer request: I leave tomorrow so my prayer request is safety and a smooth transition, along with continuing to see God's hand as I seek His face.
