Familiar Routine

Familiar routine: laugh and love then for no reason at all, shut down; become a cold, calculating statue of a human. Cause pain and frustration in order to assuage your own.

I don't know how to break this cycle and a recent reading of "Perks of Being a Wallflower" reawakened that little piece in me that held so many infinite moments dear. It is as if this soul curls and dries like a faded rose when there is nothing to live for. I want to be deeply poetic and meaningful as I describe how I feel but I've learned to live without words. Sixteen year old me would find this devastating. Somewhere inside, I think twenty year old me does too, but I don't feel much. A writer without words is merely a ghost of who she should be.

But that's how I've been. A moving, breathing phantom because I have forgotten how to do exactly what I was born to. And I might argue that I have even forgotten what exactly I am to do. Sometimes when my heart hurts and I cry, my soul wakes up a little bit. Feeling gives me words. But by the time I make it to keyboard or paper, it has shriveled and I feel more empty than before.

Also, having a C in an English class really makes me feel worthless. I know I should have more intrinsic value for myself than grades by now, but dry seasons really leave a person looking for meaning in anything.

Tonight's [Mental] Playlist

Tonight I watched most of "Jane Austen's Book Club." I'm not interested in a movie review and I'm sure you are not either, but it made me crave the company of a few certain girls, a pot of coffee, and a handful of rabbit trails that consumed meeting time like it was childhood.

After a lukewarm bath to ease my mind/soul/body I stumbled across a beat piece that captivated me:

We were so many,
We were working a one,
We were miles of moiling wheat
In a sizzling summer's heat.
But now we are scattered
And flung far apart,
But you and I still live as one
Through coals in the heart.
And if anything is left
Of the coal in the soul,
Oh, flash it to me.
-Ed Sanders, "Keeping the Issues Alive" (song)

The house is quiet now and I should probably chase the little white rabbit down the tunnel of sleep. Life is so rich with moments and fleeting thoughts that I believe I miss at least most of the poetry in my life. Perhaps there is beauty in the unseen, unnoticed, forgotten, and abandoned moments. The rose in the unravished forest blooms just as beautifully as the admired bud.

So the randomnities of my thoughts are probably contributed to by an array of songs that has had the audacity to relate to me tonight. Music and lyrics are magic to me.

Back Home - Yellowcard
Explanation - Train
It's A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock and Roll - AC/DC
Everywhere (Acoustic) - Michelle Branch
From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
I'm Not Myself - John Mayer
Tuesday's Gone - Metallica
Seventeen - Tim McGraw
Tim McGraw - Taylor Swift
No Complaints - Beck
Rose of My Heart - Johnny Cash
Alive- Becki Ryan
Apres Moi - Regina Spektor
Unconditional Love - Plain White T's
She's Not You - Elvis Presley
A Poor Man's Memory - Explosions In The Sky
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Over and Over - Misty Edwards
Note to Self: Don't Die - Ryan Adams
Morning After - Elliott Smith
Trapeze Swinger - Iron&Wine
Polygraph Right Now - Spill Canvas
Just Wait - Blues Traveler
There Is No One - Barry & Michelle Patterson
Wait - Alexi Murdoch
Oh Well - Fiona Apple

§ And the music plays on...