"Never a boring day..." has become a phrase I use to describe my life. Not because I don't have boring moments, but life is never boring when you're chasing Jesus; adventure is merely a day in the life. I heard someone say once, "If you think being a Christian is boring, then you're missing something." So here's the reason I had to say that phrase yesterday...
I'm moving back to Texas. And so is Joshua.
Joshua says one of the craziest sentences to ever come out of his life was yesterday: "So. What if I don't get on the plane tonight?" And then we followed through with it. I love my life.
We are going to spend a year (and hear me: a year) in DFW with my family getting some personal goals accomplished and each of us getting ahead financially. Then we will head back to Redding next year because we both know we are not finished being under the Bethel covering and teaching. Even though it's a "sabbatical" of sorts, there is a lot to be accomplished during this time and we are both looking forward to it. I am going to invest this time into paying off some personal debt, receiving some strategy about how to accomplish my destiny, pouring into family and close friendships.
So on the 20th we are going home to Redding to pack up in three days and drive my car down here, our new home. I have more peace about this crazy thing that makes almost no sense than all the other possibilities that made plenty of sense. I absolutely know that this is where God has me and that I'm following His voice, which is all I need in order to have complete peace. Don't get me wrong, my heart aches at the distance between dear, dear friends and my sweet church, but it's only for this season and I've no doubt that He'll fill in the gap.
Prayer Requests: profitable, enjoyable jobs for both Joshua and I, a smooth transition from Cali to here, and also just the life adjustment that's required for all of this.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Thoughts on "American Teen" by an American teen
//High school could be a mini-me of the rest of society. There's always a prom queen. There will always be, always be celebrities. Sadly some will be eternally keeping score for popularity and just cause they all do doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school...//
There's an independent movie out by Paramount Vantage and A&E Indie Films called "American Teen." In documentary style, it shows the questions and confusion of senior year with students from various cliques.
To be honest, it took me awhile to decide if I actually liked the film. I left with an odd feeling I could not quite place. It was really nice to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled with graduating and trying to find where I belonged, that I was not alone in my search for a life path in that sudden thrust into adulthood. I enjoyed the overall production, thought it was creatively done, and resonated with the connection it was trying to make.
My dad asked what the message was or if it even had one (because some indie films "are trying to make a point about pointlessness") and it got me to thinking about what I saw:
Teenagers aren't just self-absorbed brats who need a good slap of reality. But they can be. Life transitioning from high school to college is hard. Everyone has to answer core personal questions despite social class/status, clique, or conviction. Relationships are dangerous. Teenagers do indeed know the meaning of "pressure" whether they recognize and/or handle it well or not.
Not groundless points, but I finally placed the missing piece to my weighty feeling.
What my general impression boiled down to was a sense that "there is no answer." Or rather, "there are more questions than answers and that identity is in what you do. Everyone needs a sense of belonging and you find it in what you like and who you are is a coincidence." Too many things are easy to relate to and yet very untrue. Experiences color our philosophies and although they can lead us to and reinforce truth, they are not a solid foundation.
Like how a sister's suicide cannot tell you how to handle pressure any more than how others treat us defines our worth. Or another deception like just because you can get away with it, it's okay. Like what it really boils down to is what college we attend. Like conforming is the only way to belong. Like rebelling is the only way to be yourself. Like there are limits to who you are and what you can do based on anything other than your choices.
Those kinds of experiences. Cannot. Define. Us. I think what we associate with is an extremely dangerous choice. What do we empathize with, what do we love, what do we loathe? What drives us? Do I nod my head the whole way through because high school is so all-that-drama or because deep down inside I still am searching? Where's my honesty level at? How much of my life is performance? Of course I need people, crave connection, but is the desire connection or identity?
As I climb down off my self-implicating soapbox, let me return to my appreciation of the movie.
Hannah was definitely the "character" I identified with-- quirky, opinionated, angsty, artsy, silly, awkward... She dances around the living room, "Turn it up man, turn it up!" She holds up tough talking about her mom's depression and then breaks down into sobs over saying goodbye to her best friend. She doesn't do crowds well but when she makes a connection, she gives her whole self. Her greatest fear is probably being "too much" and then again, greater than that is the fear of not being true to herself, of waking up one day and saying, "I don't know me."
So take it with a grain of salt-- an aware mind and an open heart are both essential tools for breaking this struggle down. For my part, I savored the personal evaluation.
//...We've all got bad yearbook photos which we forgot to let go and just like acne our insecurity should be something we left with the jv. So here's to letting go of yearbook photos, things we kept that hold us down. So. That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow. We are tomorrow, we are tomorrow//
There's an independent movie out by Paramount Vantage and A&E Indie Films called "American Teen." In documentary style, it shows the questions and confusion of senior year with students from various cliques.
To be honest, it took me awhile to decide if I actually liked the film. I left with an odd feeling I could not quite place. It was really nice to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled with graduating and trying to find where I belonged, that I was not alone in my search for a life path in that sudden thrust into adulthood. I enjoyed the overall production, thought it was creatively done, and resonated with the connection it was trying to make.
My dad asked what the message was or if it even had one (because some indie films "are trying to make a point about pointlessness") and it got me to thinking about what I saw:
Teenagers aren't just self-absorbed brats who need a good slap of reality. But they can be. Life transitioning from high school to college is hard. Everyone has to answer core personal questions despite social class/status, clique, or conviction. Relationships are dangerous. Teenagers do indeed know the meaning of "pressure" whether they recognize and/or handle it well or not.
Not groundless points, but I finally placed the missing piece to my weighty feeling.
What my general impression boiled down to was a sense that "there is no answer." Or rather, "there are more questions than answers and that identity is in what you do. Everyone needs a sense of belonging and you find it in what you like and who you are is a coincidence." Too many things are easy to relate to and yet very untrue. Experiences color our philosophies and although they can lead us to and reinforce truth, they are not a solid foundation.
Like how a sister's suicide cannot tell you how to handle pressure any more than how others treat us defines our worth. Or another deception like just because you can get away with it, it's okay. Like what it really boils down to is what college we attend. Like conforming is the only way to belong. Like rebelling is the only way to be yourself. Like there are limits to who you are and what you can do based on anything other than your choices.
Those kinds of experiences. Cannot. Define. Us. I think what we associate with is an extremely dangerous choice. What do we empathize with, what do we love, what do we loathe? What drives us? Do I nod my head the whole way through because high school is so all-that-drama or because deep down inside I still am searching? Where's my honesty level at? How much of my life is performance? Of course I need people, crave connection, but is the desire connection or identity?
As I climb down off my self-implicating soapbox, let me return to my appreciation of the movie.
Hannah was definitely the "character" I identified with-- quirky, opinionated, angsty, artsy, silly, awkward... She dances around the living room, "Turn it up man, turn it up!" She holds up tough talking about her mom's depression and then breaks down into sobs over saying goodbye to her best friend. She doesn't do crowds well but when she makes a connection, she gives her whole self. Her greatest fear is probably being "too much" and then again, greater than that is the fear of not being true to herself, of waking up one day and saying, "I don't know me."
So take it with a grain of salt-- an aware mind and an open heart are both essential tools for breaking this struggle down. For my part, I savored the personal evaluation.
//...We've all got bad yearbook photos which we forgot to let go and just like acne our insecurity should be something we left with the jv. So here's to letting go of yearbook photos, things we kept that hold us down. So. That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow. We are tomorrow, we are tomorrow//
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Scrabble
Another piece, more recent. I'm rereading stuff in order to get inspired. It's time to start writing again and I cannot even begin to tell you how happy that makes me.
***
Scrabble
October 28, 2007
The sun shines, the moon lights
Night and day take turns
Like they are playing Scrabble
Spelling out L-I-F-E
Trailing letters, each burns
To leave an impression on me.
And they do. What does not?
I am impressed, impressionable.
I never left that state, pliable
Remaining. There is a child
Within, around, in
Dwelling. Where is a blot
Remover when I need it?
Everyone gets one chance
One life to live, one dance
And who ever gets it right?
I certainly have not, am not
That person who never has dirt
Under her fingernails or hurt
In her heart. Understand this:
Anyone who claims entirety
Lives not in reality but insecurity.
Smudgeless mascara and color
Coordinating shoes:
Remind me not to lose
Respect when I am in lack--
I am completely incomplete,
But only by choice.
I have been shattered
In the places it really matters
Rationale crumbles, ordinary falls
In love with extraordinary, all
For the sake of a longing,
A sense of belonging
In the back-and-forth sway
That brings on the day:
A yes, a dare, a dance
To which I, the willing victim of romance,
Assented.
***
Scrabble
October 28, 2007
The sun shines, the moon lights
Night and day take turns
Like they are playing Scrabble
Spelling out L-I-F-E
Trailing letters, each burns
To leave an impression on me.
And they do. What does not?
I am impressed, impressionable.
I never left that state, pliable
Remaining. There is a child
Within, around, in
Dwelling. Where is a blot
Remover when I need it?
Everyone gets one chance
One life to live, one dance
And who ever gets it right?
I certainly have not, am not
That person who never has dirt
Under her fingernails or hurt
In her heart. Understand this:
Anyone who claims entirety
Lives not in reality but insecurity.
Smudgeless mascara and color
Coordinating shoes:
Remind me not to lose
Respect when I am in lack--
I am completely incomplete,
But only by choice.
I have been shattered
In the places it really matters
Rationale crumbles, ordinary falls
In love with extraordinary, all
For the sake of a longing,
A sense of belonging
In the back-and-forth sway
That brings on the day:
A yes, a dare, a dance
To which I, the willing victim of romance,
Assented.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
"Words Words Words"
I was looking through some old documents to see what I need to transfer to my external hard drive from my parents' computer. I ran across this piece. It's always amusing to find old writings; sometimes I like them because I have an affection for the piece or the moment and then other times it's all I can do not to delete them whether it's disdain for the former inspiration or simply an "I could do better" feeling. This is of the former category... I like this piece; it has a playful composition with a lot of honest "me" in it. It's nearly a couple years old now. Feel free to share your thoughts/criticisms/praises.
"Words Words Words"
"Words Words Words"
Black ink, dark scribbles
Of thoughts and always
These incessant words rambling
Like my head to myself
Words words words
And what am I to do
Without you to talk to?
Silence is within reach but
Why stretch so far for
What won’t hold me?
Suffocations of a soul:
Frustration don’t you know;
That’s the rhythm, the cadence
The unending balance of
Yeses and nos and maybes,
Now and then a perchance.
But time runs like the eagle
Flies anytime
But when I need the grace
And agility of hope.
What of it anyway?
Hope, like words, a word
Should be simple but
There’s an adventure.
I know it, I feel it:
A more, the rest of the iceberg.
Don’t let it take me out.
Take me with you.
Do you dare?
Words words words
A plea and a reminder
Of the pirate’s legend:
Bad luck be a woman aboard
Your ship. If it wasn’t for the pirate
Soul, it leaks out your dazzling eyes
That won’t be consoled
I would stowaway, yet
You must know the risks.
(For there always have been
Chances to take chances).
Take one now, a stand.
Make a wish,
Grant it to yourself.
Words words words
A wish. I dare you
To wish for me.
Return to childhood and
Remember that a dare
Has more clout than
A vague legend.
Toss it out; take it all in
Too much is the way
I always run and always will
A seatbelt, an emergency exit
Both necessary for anything else.
Here safety is a boundary
But security is superfluous
In the adventure, this adventure,
The one I dared you
To take me on;
And you will, won’t you?
Never turn down a lady
To dance, they say.
Who are they anyway?
It doesn’t matter tonight
‘Cause they’re oh so right
Let’s dance and run with
Words words words
In our laugh, in my hair.
Don’t stop now:
It has only begun
Every last bit of the fun
That you knew to be true.
Ready for this? You never will be.
And that’s the best part.
All you can say is
Ready set start.
And a few more
Words words words
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Graduated Cylinder
So school let out-- I still can't believe it, honestly. My mind's reeling that the nine month mark is up and my life is totally different than originally planned. Funny how that works, hm? It looks like I am going to be staying in California until further notice. There's no way it's time to leave this culture; I feel like there is still a lot more to learn and that my roots have dug in to this ground a bit. However, one's hometown is always half home (pun intended) so I will certainly be back in Texas for several weeks. I couldn't miss July 4th with family just yet, so I'll make it just in time.
My roommates and I are moving to a bigger apartment, which will be really nice space-wise, but with some recent financial challenges with my car, it's getting to be a pretty huge thing. As always, agree with supernatural provision in my life. Starbucks is not my provider but it is a means of provision, so my hours should drastically increase sometime soon. It is odd to see my life jumping back into cardboard, even if it's only for a very short migration (we're staying in the same complex). The feeling of completion is greatly appreciated and I even enjoy the "starting over" setup, but it's this in-between bit that makes me feel a little shaky and always sends me on an introspective spiral. This time, though, I am not questioning self, just flipping through the pages of life.
Growth continues as I learn what it is to trust, what it is to make decisions, what it is to be responsible and accountable, what it is to love by staying in love when I can nearly believe that I can run my life. Papa is here for me and takes care of me, offering me the chance to be faithful especially when it's not demanded.
Prayer request: I'm really seeking guidance on the 2nd year or Shasta College decision (which, incidentally, could be made for me pending my acceptance into BSSM).
My roommates and I are moving to a bigger apartment, which will be really nice space-wise, but with some recent financial challenges with my car, it's getting to be a pretty huge thing. As always, agree with supernatural provision in my life. Starbucks is not my provider but it is a means of provision, so my hours should drastically increase sometime soon. It is odd to see my life jumping back into cardboard, even if it's only for a very short migration (we're staying in the same complex). The feeling of completion is greatly appreciated and I even enjoy the "starting over" setup, but it's this in-between bit that makes me feel a little shaky and always sends me on an introspective spiral. This time, though, I am not questioning self, just flipping through the pages of life.
Growth continues as I learn what it is to trust, what it is to make decisions, what it is to be responsible and accountable, what it is to love by staying in love when I can nearly believe that I can run my life. Papa is here for me and takes care of me, offering me the chance to be faithful especially when it's not demanded.
Prayer request: I'm really seeking guidance on the 2nd year or Shasta College decision (which, incidentally, could be made for me pending my acceptance into BSSM).
Monday, April 14, 2008
Days 9 & 10: Sunday and Monday
The last two days!
Sunday (yesterday) began early rushing out the door to Tokyo Bible Church with Joanna, Donn, and baby Naava. (Dea had not slept all night, so she stayed behind). The other two group went to other churches for ministry. During first service, I explained a drawing I did in worship and afterward, the three of us prayed for a few people who needed healing. One guy, after asking me to pray for a heart condition, requested through the translator that I pray God brings him a wife! One person had a drastic decrease in pain and many walked away in full faith despite the lack of instant-healing.
We also did a second service for the youth. Joanna talked a little bit about soaking in His presence and I explained some about how God speaks in various ways (pictures, words, impressions, etc.). We had all of the kids listen to God for themselves and even though only a few had the courage to share, when asked, no one said they hadn't heard anything. Some had some really clear visions and another girl got some freedom in identity. After the service, a few came up to share what they had heard. (We aren't such intimidating tall white Americans when one on one). That service didn't end until almost four so we did not get to the David and Maria's house until after seven (they had a barbecue in our honor that started at four) where we inhaled some food, chatted for a little bit, and took off to get back to Menamisenju. All of us girls were happy to be back by nine so we could make a run down to the bathhouse for a long, cleansing, relaxing soak. It's unanimous that the bathhouse will be the most-missed thing about Japan once we're back in the states (followed closely by the "special drinks" vending machines).
Have I told you about where we are staying? Menamisenju is supposedly the "Harlem" of Tokyo, but it's still 10x better than most cities, simply because it's safe. The area we are staying in has the highest homeless population, but even they are very organized in their habits and don't bother us at all. Ironically, the only one that has been approached by a couple of drunk homeless men is Donn (who is at least 6.5 and has blonde dreadlocks). Tokyo is such a safe-feeling place. It is not particularly friendly or easy to navigate, but the Japanese have such an isolated feel that no one really bothers anyone else and pretty much everyone does what they can to not affect anyone else's life with their own. As unhealthy as that kind of thought pattern can be, it makes for a relatively safe city.
Today was our off day! (Thank You, God!) We started out at ten (yay, sleep!) for Hirajuku and we all did a lot of shopping at the Oriental Bazaar where one can find plenty of Japanese knick-knacks. I was delighted to find an adorable Japanese teaset and a set of adorable bowls that I cannot WAIT to use at home! I also picked up a few postcards for my collection and for my sister's geography project. Afterward, Donn said we had to see the view from Tokyo tower so we went up there to see how the city literally stretches to the horizon from the north, south, east, and west! It was a nice place to take a break and eat some ice cream and then take the fancy elevator (it has constellations and blacklights built into it!) back down once we had enjoyed the view to the fullest. We walked the Hirajuku streets where there are a lot of funky Tokyo-fashion shops (I pretty much could spend one's life savings there!) and I took a series of pictures in various hats. From there, most of the group went to Shibuya to do more shopping but Naava was having a really rough day so Donn and I came back to Menamisenju. He took her back to the apartment he and Dea are at and I took some money for "dinner" and went to the grocery store. That was an experience all in its own-- this puts cafeteria "mystery meat" to shame! I couldn't read a single label. But I've done alright and once I'm finished with an email, I'm headed to go pack up so I'll be ready to head back tomorrow! Later tonight us girls may find another bathhouse to try out, too. Oh lovely Japan.
Well, happy trails to me! And I'll catch you cats on the flipside. (*ahem* stateside).
A few testimonies:
*In the youth service, our translator came up to Joanna and I to ask if we would pray for her friend. The girl was a Buddhist and it was her first time to go to church-- and she'd been totally rocked! She had an experience with God during soaking time which she didn't explain to us but she had tears streaming down her face. We prayed for more encounters!!
*Another team saw a second complete knee healing!
*There was also an increase of eyesight-- a guy had tunnel vision and his range of sight opened up significantly; he went home praying for more.
*I can't remember them all... check out our team blog for more.
Sunday (yesterday) began early rushing out the door to Tokyo Bible Church with Joanna, Donn, and baby Naava. (Dea had not slept all night, so she stayed behind). The other two group went to other churches for ministry. During first service, I explained a drawing I did in worship and afterward, the three of us prayed for a few people who needed healing. One guy, after asking me to pray for a heart condition, requested through the translator that I pray God brings him a wife! One person had a drastic decrease in pain and many walked away in full faith despite the lack of instant-healing.
We also did a second service for the youth. Joanna talked a little bit about soaking in His presence and I explained some about how God speaks in various ways (pictures, words, impressions, etc.). We had all of the kids listen to God for themselves and even though only a few had the courage to share, when asked, no one said they hadn't heard anything. Some had some really clear visions and another girl got some freedom in identity. After the service, a few came up to share what they had heard. (We aren't such intimidating tall white Americans when one on one). That service didn't end until almost four so we did not get to the David and Maria's house until after seven (they had a barbecue in our honor that started at four) where we inhaled some food, chatted for a little bit, and took off to get back to Menamisenju. All of us girls were happy to be back by nine so we could make a run down to the bathhouse for a long, cleansing, relaxing soak. It's unanimous that the bathhouse will be the most-missed thing about Japan once we're back in the states (followed closely by the "special drinks" vending machines).
Have I told you about where we are staying? Menamisenju is supposedly the "Harlem" of Tokyo, but it's still 10x better than most cities, simply because it's safe. The area we are staying in has the highest homeless population, but even they are very organized in their habits and don't bother us at all. Ironically, the only one that has been approached by a couple of drunk homeless men is Donn (who is at least 6.5 and has blonde dreadlocks). Tokyo is such a safe-feeling place. It is not particularly friendly or easy to navigate, but the Japanese have such an isolated feel that no one really bothers anyone else and pretty much everyone does what they can to not affect anyone else's life with their own. As unhealthy as that kind of thought pattern can be, it makes for a relatively safe city.
Today was our off day! (Thank You, God!) We started out at ten (yay, sleep!) for Hirajuku and we all did a lot of shopping at the Oriental Bazaar where one can find plenty of Japanese knick-knacks. I was delighted to find an adorable Japanese teaset and a set of adorable bowls that I cannot WAIT to use at home! I also picked up a few postcards for my collection and for my sister's geography project. Afterward, Donn said we had to see the view from Tokyo tower so we went up there to see how the city literally stretches to the horizon from the north, south, east, and west! It was a nice place to take a break and eat some ice cream and then take the fancy elevator (it has constellations and blacklights built into it!) back down once we had enjoyed the view to the fullest. We walked the Hirajuku streets where there are a lot of funky Tokyo-fashion shops (I pretty much could spend one's life savings there!) and I took a series of pictures in various hats. From there, most of the group went to Shibuya to do more shopping but Naava was having a really rough day so Donn and I came back to Menamisenju. He took her back to the apartment he and Dea are at and I took some money for "dinner" and went to the grocery store. That was an experience all in its own-- this puts cafeteria "mystery meat" to shame! I couldn't read a single label. But I've done alright and once I'm finished with an email, I'm headed to go pack up so I'll be ready to head back tomorrow! Later tonight us girls may find another bathhouse to try out, too. Oh lovely Japan.
Well, happy trails to me! And I'll catch you cats on the flipside. (*ahem* stateside).
A few testimonies:
*In the youth service, our translator came up to Joanna and I to ask if we would pray for her friend. The girl was a Buddhist and it was her first time to go to church-- and she'd been totally rocked! She had an experience with God during soaking time which she didn't explain to us but she had tears streaming down her face. We prayed for more encounters!!
*Another team saw a second complete knee healing!
*There was also an increase of eyesight-- a guy had tunnel vision and his range of sight opened up significantly; he went home praying for more.
*I can't remember them all... check out our team blog for more.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Day 8: Saturday
Breakfast was a good kickstart to the rest of the day: Joanna whipped up some fabulous French toast and I even snagged a nap between breakfast and departure. We went back to the Yogen (Prophecy) Cafe and did an all day seminar of sorts. I taught in the first one on Treasure Hunts and after a break, we had a second session and I did a prophetic art piece. We had a lovely dinner of Japanese pizza (which is wayyy different than American pizza but great in its own way). One had corn and mustard on it, but somehow was delicious!!
After dinner, we went out to Shibuya (a major downtown shopping area, the place that is usually in movies filmed in/about Tokyo) and had our own treasure hunts. One of the team saw a back healing! Another ministered to a girl who was depressed because of conflict with her mother. That team also had two members that separately got the word for "red dreadlocks" (which is crazy random enough) and then found him! He got a hug and therefore a shock. (The Japanese are not a very affectionate people for the most part). Two of the girls stayed back for intercession and they found a treasure and got to pray for her connections in Tokyo; she was a believer. My team activated a few Japanese in the concept of treasure hunt and we approached four or five people in our hour of time.
Tomorrow is our last day for ministry and our team received a lot of invitations for Sunday morning. We are splitting into three groups and then will meet up for a barbecue in the afternoon with a family that is one of our main contacts. Joanna and I are stoked to go with Donna and Dea back to Tokyo Bible Church where we got to hang with the children on Wednesday. Monday will be our shopping day and then Tuesday we head out. My emotions are mixed; I very much miss home (my pillow especially) yet the thought of leaving this nation is difficult too. I just have to trust that Jesus will use my little seeds to His great purpose.
After dinner, we went out to Shibuya (a major downtown shopping area, the place that is usually in movies filmed in/about Tokyo) and had our own treasure hunts. One of the team saw a back healing! Another ministered to a girl who was depressed because of conflict with her mother. That team also had two members that separately got the word for "red dreadlocks" (which is crazy random enough) and then found him! He got a hug and therefore a shock. (The Japanese are not a very affectionate people for the most part). Two of the girls stayed back for intercession and they found a treasure and got to pray for her connections in Tokyo; she was a believer. My team activated a few Japanese in the concept of treasure hunt and we approached four or five people in our hour of time.
Tomorrow is our last day for ministry and our team received a lot of invitations for Sunday morning. We are splitting into three groups and then will meet up for a barbecue in the afternoon with a family that is one of our main contacts. Joanna and I are stoked to go with Donna and Dea back to Tokyo Bible Church where we got to hang with the children on Wednesday. Monday will be our shopping day and then Tuesday we head out. My emotions are mixed; I very much miss home (my pillow especially) yet the thought of leaving this nation is difficult too. I just have to trust that Jesus will use my little seeds to His great purpose.
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