Some Have Winds of Change, I Have A Gale of Questions

It never ceases to amaze me how I can write a post and by the next time I think to glance at my blog again, nearly a month has passed. I ought to do more frequent, more concise updates but such is the life. February was quite eventful, but not in ways I can really explain. I hit both ends of the spectrum as far as my growth is concerned. Fear revealed some areas in my life that need to mature, but there is something about exposing things to the light that is healing in itself. Follow-through has become something I am learning to develop in my life as well; part of that was discovered in realizing that I need people in my life that practice follow-through in order to build that habit myself. Key words: I. Need. People.

A few countdowns are going on in my life right now and they are exciting ones:
My parents are coming in 9 days! I have a couple girlfriends coming to visit over the next month and spring break is the last week of March (plans are sketchy at best-- we'll see how that goes), and... *drum roll* my birthday is in less than a month! I love birthdays anyway, but this one holds a lot of weight to it: 18. I'm not going to go introspective on you with that one, needless to say, I am terrified and highly anticipating all the fun.

St. Patrick's Day is coming up and of course the silliness inside of me is very excited. The kindergarten class I'm working with is having a party so I am looking forward to helping set up treasure hunts, leprechaun boot-prints, and four-leaf clovers everywhere. And wearing insane amounts of green. Looove it. (Plus my parents will be here!)

Spring has been teasing us with beautiful sunny days, followed by cold, windy ones, often including storms. I've definitely learned my lesson to savor the sun, but the weather is just fabulous. My mountains keep me in awe and I catch a sunset whenever I can. In fact, I have begun attempting painting and find that my favorite place to paint is my backporch as the sun sets behind the Sundial Bridge. Of course, the living room isn't bad either-- especially for spontaneous "Let's paint rocks!" sessions inspired by my lovely Canadian goose-- Kari.

Please pray for some guidance in my life from the Lord. It is my goal this month to make some decisions about next year. I'd like to come back to Redding because it has become "home" to me like I never expected. At the same time, I pretty much had an emotional breakdown at the idea of not being a part of the lives of everyone at home-home (Texas). Either way, I'm hoping to pursue my education next year no matter the location, but of course, all in His timing. As much as I know what I want, I've never felt more surrendered and subject to where He's taking all of this (as in, my life). The path lies before me and though it's only lit for the next step, I eagerly await the next revelation.

Blown Tires & The Winds of Opportunity

Konnichiwa.

Today I woke up to a bright morning. However, when I hit the highway I felt my car jolt and suddenly I remembered my encounter with a median leaving work last night. Long story short, I walked five blocks to work, missed my leadership meeting after work, and was rescued by my "big brother" out here. I also learned how to change a tire and air up a spare (mine was flat, yay) so now I'm shopping for a new tire so my life doesn't come to a screeching halt, haha.

In other news... During recess today, I got a call from the missions department at school. He offered me a position on the Tokyo trip, with the church covering the $130 difference between my balance and the airfare amount due today so that I could be the tenth on the trip. After some prayer, soul-searching, and one quick Daddy-phone-call, I was in. Just like that... I'm going to be ministering in church-plants in Japan! What an opportunity! Apparently God has His own plan because I definitely would not have opted for Japan on my own. So continue to pray for my missions trip... just a continent over.

And as for tomorrow, the lovely Valentine's Day and all that it implies... Morning: Passing out Valentine's to kindergarteners and enjoying the simplest view of the day ever. Afternoon: renewal of focus and realizing that revivalists don't hate days like tomorrow. Evening: the girls and I are going out with some friends for dinner at Logan's (thank you Mom and Dad for my Christmas giftcard!) So of course, with an apartment full of girls (and then some), there's been lots of talk about warped red shape day. We're not celebrating a superficial consumer-driven what's-the-point-of-that-kind-of-love-anyway. We're celebrating the life of a man (St. Valentine) who loved God, saw people healed, raised from the dead, and married people in private when the government was dictating what was of God and what was not. We are celebrating a revivalist-lifestyle. There's the ministry school student take on it, haha. Take it with a piece of chocolate.

I hope all is well with you-- Please send me an email sometime and update me on your world.

California, Claustrophobia, and Contemplation

San Francisco was a lovely way to vacate my small town. Claustrophobia has been chewing the borders of my mental sanity and I had to get out. You ever get that feeling that you can't do anything without everyone questioning your every move? Whether it's true or not, it's a tight feeling and it stresses me out. So I left. I met a friend at my uncle and aunt's downtown and made a break for it. The ocean was by far my favorite moment, just because the vast, unending water makes me feel like myself. I don't question who I am, I don't care what anyone thinks I am, and I watch the waves as I talk to God and daydream about what --I can never remember later.

'Twas lovely-- Friday I got to enjoy Thai food, good company, and Serendipity. I can't even recall the last time I had Thai food, so that was a treat. Saturday was ocean day, a walk through Golden Gate Park, eating at Johnny Rocket's on the Pier, and wandering North Beach, followed by an evening of more lovely food (steak!) and conversation, capped off by The Holiday (somehow appropriate in context with the weekend). Today breakfast and coffee were an appropriate start to bookstore browsing and then a long--detour included-- drive home. In just a bit, Kari's birthday party will kick in and the excitement that ensues.

(Can you tell food is a theme in my life? I enjoy a good meal more thoroughly than ever).

I'm not going to Israel for my mission trip. The money didn't come in, so you guys can just pray I'll be put on an alternative that God wants. I'm pretty much heartbroken, but I do not doubt that God works all things out for good and I also have no qualms that I will one day travel and minister in the Holy Land.

On my drive home, I had lots to think about. After a weekend of distracting busyness, the introspection hit and much has come to my attention. Homesickness, a longing for independence, self-doubt, and a desperation for Jesus' comfort flooded my heart. I found myself piecing different songs together. If I was making my own combination of lyrics for the drive...

Loose lips might sink ships but loose gooses take trips
To San Francisco, double dutch disco, (Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson)
Your shadow weighs a ton--
Driving down the 101,
California, here we come (California - Phantom Planet)
We’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, (Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian)
You can mark my words something's about to break (Nothing Left To Lose - Mat Kearney)
Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it (Back Home - Yellowcard)
I’ll be back when I’m good and ready
California doesn’t seem to think I’m ready yet (California - Josh Ritter)
I'm not coming home tonight, so don't wait up
'Cause I bet it never gets this cold in California (Home - JamisonParker)
California,
You're such a wonder that I think I'll stay in bed (California - Rufus Wainwright)

Tonight's [Mental] Playlist

Tonight I watched most of "Jane Austen's Book Club." I'm not interested in a movie review and I'm sure you are not either, but it made me crave the company of a few certain girls, a pot of coffee, and a handful of rabbit trails that consumed meeting time like it was childhood.

After a lukewarm bath to ease my mind/soul/body I stumbled across a beat piece that captivated me:

We were so many,
We were working a one,
We were miles of moiling wheat
In a sizzling summer's heat.
But now we are scattered
And flung far apart,
But you and I still live as one
Through coals in the heart.
And if anything is left
Of the coal in the soul,
Oh, flash it to me.
-Ed Sanders, "Keeping the Issues Alive" (song)

The house is quiet now and I should probably chase the little white rabbit down the tunnel of sleep. Life is so rich with moments and fleeting thoughts that I believe I miss at least most of the poetry in my life. Perhaps there is beauty in the unseen, unnoticed, forgotten, and abandoned moments. The rose in the unravished forest blooms just as beautifully as the admired bud.

So the randomnities of my thoughts are probably contributed to by an array of songs that has had the audacity to relate to me tonight. Music and lyrics are magic to me.

Back Home - Yellowcard
Explanation - Train
It's A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock and Roll - AC/DC
Everywhere (Acoustic) - Michelle Branch
From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
I'm Not Myself - John Mayer
Tuesday's Gone - Metallica
Seventeen - Tim McGraw
Tim McGraw - Taylor Swift
No Complaints - Beck
Rose of My Heart - Johnny Cash
Alive- Becki Ryan
Apres Moi - Regina Spektor
Unconditional Love - Plain White T's
She's Not You - Elvis Presley
A Poor Man's Memory - Explosions In The Sky
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Over and Over - Misty Edwards
Note to Self: Don't Die - Ryan Adams
Morning After - Elliott Smith
Trapeze Swinger - Iron&Wine
Polygraph Right Now - Spill Canvas
Just Wait - Blues Traveler
There Is No One - Barry & Michelle Patterson
Wait - Alexi Murdoch
Oh Well - Fiona Apple

§ And the music plays on...

This Too Shall Pass

Another Christmas, another season, another new year. Taking a glance backwards is appropriate at this time because it serves the purpose of reminding us of blessings, growth, loss, changes, and the most crucial thing that I am coming to realize: this too shall pass. Most is so temporal and it is terrible that so significant a thought as "make every moment count" has become so cliché.

I have had delightful Christmases, stressful Christmases, painful Christmases, and various kinds of anticlimactic Christmases. This, by far, was the most unique I have ever experienced. This time home was "home" in a deeper, more abstract sense. Home was not home because that is where my toothbrush is kept, my sleeping done, or even where I know where the silverware is. Home is the place where the familiar is precious (and pretty much taken for granted) and the sharing of moments delightful (because history is mutual). It is where comfortable is more in the atmosphere than location and where unconditional love truly resides. Never before have I been so overwhelmed by blessing and known gratitude as such a heartfelt reality instead of a passing sentiment. My friends, I am rich in all that matters; the grace of God is undeniable in my life. I deserve it not and receive it still.

'Tis the season for resolutions and this is the first year I can recall that I have none. Sure, there are some things that I would not mind tweaking and improving. However, they are all what I have been resolved on previous to the end of the year. All that I really want in 2008 is for my life to look like the transition it ought to: seven is the number of completion and eight of new beginnings. What needs to end can and the best shall be sealed in the treasure-box of experience. The dead and done can give way to the fresh and lively. It truly is all new this upcoming year and I am ready for it; I'm tired of the goodbyes and drastic endings that have occurred over '07. I graduated and that was the beginning of many ends, so many "lasts" for a season of mine. It became a catalyst for firsts, a foreshadowing for this next year as a time beginning. So here I am welcoming '08 with open arms, an open heart, and great anticipation. Surrendered, I stand.

Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
- Tennyson

As He Clothes The Lilies

Things here aren't easy but the Lord is providing... I can't even explain how much. Financially, yes. Spiritually, yes. I'm not going to be the kind that fakes it and has religious lines for everything. So in my honesty I'll admit that my faith is maybe the size of a mustard seed... "Let it be done unto you according to your faith..." I've noticed that His economics are different than mine. Cool by me, man.

Yesterday I was finishing up my assigned reading in 2 Samuel of the story of David. His son Absalom attempted to dethrone him but David still said "Deal gently with [him]." At one point, Absalom's counselors, Ahithophel and Hushai, each gave him different advice. Ahithophel's advice would have been a wiser choice but "then Absalom and all the men of Israel said, 'The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel.' For the Lord had ordained [purposed, in the NKJV] to thwart the good counsel of Ahithophel, so that the Lord might bring calamity on Absalom." (1 Samuel 17:14)

The Lord ordained the confusion of David's enemies--why? Because He had anointed and appointed him to be a successful king and God always backs up His promises. If you don't believe it-- just look at my life.

He brought me to His banqueting table,
And His banner over me is love.
I am my Beloved's and He is mine;
His banner over me is love.

We can feel the love of God in this place:
We believe Your goodness; We receive Your grace.
We delight ourselves at Your table, O God.
You do all things well: just look at our lives.

Wasting Away On A Sunny Day...

Sometimes I feel as if when I'm not doing something, I am being lazy, not earning my keep. For some reason, there is this paradigm in my life that dictates to me that responsibility is a burden meant to be heavy and, well, burdensome. There's a kingdom-principle that I think God is letting me learn (that I most certainly do not yet have down) that it is okay to rest. Why is it that I feel the need to be incessantly stressed? Why does relaxing feel like laziness instead of a way of life? I do not want to be a stretched, uptight person. That is not really who I am when it comes down to it but for some reason, the further I get away from God, the more I live like so.

It is being revealed to me how the drive to earn my place is an issue of a slave-mentality. The Israelites had to learn in the desert what their position with God was. In the wilderness, the in-between land, the place of preparation, the chosen and anointed had to learn what their calling meant. Redding is a desert of sorts for me. Mind you, it is far more green than most and I am not truly alone out here. I have all the conveniences of running water (Holy Spirit) and manna (revelation) but the desert is in the difficulties, the dry places, the intense battle of faith and fear.

A dear friend from home and I were talking the other day about how reality truly is not an easy place to live out all that God is doing. Too much is going on and it's far more dead-man-natural to be wound tight and live out of an insatiable need to get ahead. As I began to tell him what Holy Spirit revealed to me about his life, I realized it applied for my own as well. God has many people in my life (especially those close to me) in various areas of struggle and growth. A majority of us feel like we are in the in-between land, as if something will change but it has definitely not happened yet. What was so revelatory to me is how essential genuine rest is to daily life. The Sabbath is not a joke; it is a life-principle. It is not a legalistic, another-rule-for-the-book either. Busyness is not forbidden and laziness is. But I have never known genuine trust to come out of a place of works or stress either. Trust is in the letting go, the sigh of release, the I've-done-my-part-and-I-know-God-will-do-His.

As trite as it may seem, this song keeps coming up in my life and even though the whole idea in it is not one I'd express for myself, I enjoy the way it works as a soundtrack to me releasing my worries and joys to the Creative One.

Yeah, I've been out of work;
It's been a long time and I'm down to my last dime,
Sitting on the beach with the sand in my feet.
I'm soaking up the sunshine.
Maybe I should care, but I don't.
I don't know what to tell ya.
Yeah, I'm wasted down here in California.

I woke up this morning: it's way past 10
Another day, here we go again:
Thinking about all the things that I got to do;
Its a whole lot of nothing.
I should get a job, but I won't.
I wouldn't want to spoil this,
Hanging out every day
and I'm loving every minute of it.

I live in California--wasting away on a sunny day.
I live down in California--I don't mind just feeling fine.

Wearing the same old torn up t-shirt
and its giving me a sunburn.
I got no where to go and I got nothing to show.
Yeah, but it could be worse.
Maybe I should care, but I don't;
I don't know what to tell ya.
I'm wasting down here in California.