Listen Up.

There once was time in my life to just sit down and write. Write thoughts, write poetry, write stories, papers, even single lines that could develop into anything. And the words must not have stopped; it was most certainly me. The passion still lies there within, dormant, but there. It flares up every now and again when I write a letter or even in the occasional blog, but I feel like it is all shadows of those inner staircases that lead to libraries of things I should be writing.

Tonight I realized that much of that is because I have nothing to write for... no homework, no audience, no critique, no assignment. I'm too critical to be my own audience so I shut myself down before I can finish. I've deleted this entry three times already, exited the browser, and come back simply to have something to say.

And that something is this: I have nothing to say but wish I did.

Exeunt.

And The Plans Are Rolling

I put this on my wedding blog and figured I might as well spread it out around my silly little blogging world. I need to make a note that I am going to switch blogs whenever Joshua and I get married in order to make that fun transition, plus I've been wanting to change my email address (I'm getting too much spam 'cause it's an old one) and it's a good time to do that as well. I'll spread the info sufficiently around whenever it happens.

**

Let me preface this paragraph with a minor disclaimer: I am absolutely thrilled to be getting married! I never realized what a difficult season engagement was going to be. Of course it is not due to the engagement itself but all that comes with it. Essentially, we are starting life over together and all of our expectations our coming up, being verbalized, having plans put to them, and making compromises here and there. The hand of God is so obvious when we have these vision-based conversations about our life, our family, our hopes and our hearts resound together and just as much so when there are variances in opinion but we work through with grace and communication.

Everything from apartment hunting to phone plans to car insurance has been a decision factor lately and I've been on the job hunt here all the while knowing I'll be doing this again in 6 months or so in California. Wedding plans have been reinstated post-holidays and I'm looking at another location this week to find out if I want to seal the deal at the gardens or move on. We are more than ready to get an official date set and hoping against hope to bump it up to May. I'm working on designing a monogram to potentially be used on invitations and definitely on the program (that I've already finished).

We've been updating the Bed, Bath, and Beyond registry, going over our picks, making adjustments where needed. Last night Joshua did his "man registry" at Lowe's and was the most fired up I've seen him about any plans so far. My favorite thing though is our cash registry we're supposed to modify soon at OurWishingWell.com. It is really going to help us considering that we will be moving across the country and will not want to carry more with us than necessary.

In other news, it will be absolute heaven to roll over and say "good night" instead of grabbing my keys and saying "goodbye." One of my friends once described her first year of marriage as "one big slumber party." I laughed (both of us knowing it's more challenging than that) but as much fun as Joshua and I have, I believe it.

Peace and 81 degree January days.

Peace, Joy, and Presents: Happy Christmas

Today was our first Christmas together and it was absolutely precious. For Christmas Eve, we spent time with the family and went to our family friends' house for their big get-together. We had a great time playing "dirty Santa." Joshua ended up with a very useful $25 to Home Depot and I snagged an oil burner and a Christmas decoration to be added to my budding collection. (Over the recent months, Joshua has become acquainted with my family's Christmas craze and realized that his future wife pretty much takes the cake on Christmas Queen). On our way home, we stopped at one of those synchronized Christmas light shows and then proceeded with family tradition of our myrrh, frankincense, and gold gifts.

Family Tradition #1: As a way to keep the gift-receiving part of Christmas in a healthy mindset, my parents started this three-gift tradition. 1. Myrrh was an embalming ointment given to Mary and Joseph at Jesus' birth, valuable and a prophetic symbol of how He was born to die that we may live. The gift that goes with this one is something having to do with the body, perfumes, clothes, makeup, etc. 2. Frankincense was another gift, known as one of the premiere "cure-all" treatments and it was designated to be burned in God's temple. This one always relates to the individual's relationship to Father, often worship CDs, a new Bible, devotionals or even allegorical books. 3. Gold, the last of the mentioned magi gifts, was obviously the most general and valuable, and our gold gift is usually something of great importance that the receiver really wants.

Family Tradition #2: This one is an old tradition on my mom's side of the family. At midnight between the 23rd and 24th, the first person to call "Christmas Eve Gift" gets to open one gift a whole day earlier than everyone else. As a rule, I win this. Every so often, I grant the privelege to someone else, but let it be known that out of all my competitive family, I dominate. Haha, so I'm joking. But, really. I do. Needless to clarify, I won this year too. I will never outgrow this tradition.

Me Tradition #3: Laying awake on the 23rd and 24th because I cannot sleep because of all of my excitement... I love, love, love gifts. I also like surprises in the sense that I enjoy being surprised (however, the NOT KNOWING of it all drives me crazy) and I truly enjoy the reaction on others' faces when they open something from me.

We ended up persuading the parents to let us open the gifts from each other as well (all of us kids draw names and then go in on stuff for mom and dad. Hunter drew Joshua who drew Hannah. Ashtyn and I got each other). We had so much fun with every one sitting around getting excited for each other and ourselves, sharing in joy and family. Joshua and I were super stoked to get the cookware from our registry. It was a huge contribution to our household as we both enjoy dabbling in the culinary arts. Also, a pizza cutter, measuring spoons and cups were a few more everyday items that tickled our to-be-wed fancy. Included in what I gave Joshua was a DVD I made with a video of his proposal and four slideshows (our lives together, the day of the proposal, the proposal event itself, and our engagement photos), complete with sweet iDVD menus and customized buttons, scene selection, and music. I'm pretty proud of that one, not gonna lie.

Today we ate breakfast, opened stockings, and played with "Dad's" new Wii Rockband waiting for friends to join use for lunch. Food, games, and movies comprised our fun-filled day. Now I am half-watching "The Incredible Hulk" as "the boys" play with Joshua's Batman action figure sliding on dental floss from second story to front door (indeed, boys will be boys).

As I look forward to the future and all of the wonderful, sweet Christmases Joshua and I will enjoy, I have to admit that I very much appreciate and covet this one. Sometimes the stresses of life cave in around the holidays and it all seems like too much. But family really is priceless and I jealously bottle these moments knowing always that "this too shall pass" applies to both good and bad. Thank You, Jesus, for a day to celebrate everything beautiful.

To Be Perfected In Love

Today I was working on our wedding website writing my side of "our story" (the page will be up once Joshua has written his perspective). It got me to pondering a lot of things like how I came to realize Joshua is "the one." I ended up adding some of this into the story:

As humorous as our beginning is, there's really a lot of weight to it. I remember a time in the prayer house echoing a prayer I'd prayed a hundred times already. "Papa, is this You? I don't know how to be in a relationship halfway, so I need Your release. A no is a no, a yes is a yes, but I need something concrete. I want my heart to be MORE Yours, not less."
Clearer than clear I felt, "What do you want?"
"What do you mean? I just asked YOU that!"
"Rachel, I don't make your decisions for you. This is a relationship you and I are in. You choose to be with me just as I've chosen to be with you. Is this the man you choose to be with?"

That question rang in my heart for days. I laid in bed one night telling my roomie about the conversation, mulling it over, what did it mean, what was my answer. The truth I kept returning to was that in the highs of life -- enjoying simple things like cooking together or more extravagant joys like our wedding day or the birth of our children-- and in the lows --disappointments, disagreements, frustrations, miscommunications-- the choice would remain. I could not base my choice on feeling like I was in love, in like, whatever. Love is a decision, a resolution, a covenant. It grows deeper with time and richer with experience. That's why I don't buy into the "just wait till the honeymoon phase is over" propaganda. Life is, love is what you make it.

That was only the beginning of His revelations to me about relationship- relationship between man and God, man and woman, person and person. It's so deep, so sacrificial, so genuine. It is not about the individual but the two, the pair, the "us": interacting, loving, sinking low in order to raise another, the ups, downs, victorious days, and even the very human moments. As He shared His heart with me over the last nine months, I realized that Joshua was the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to build a relationship that was so solid it wasn't shaken by days lacking feeling or flowing over with emotion. Relationship is meant to be rich with life, love, covenant. Passion ebbs and flows, but it shouldn't cease. It moves and grows with life.

Choice. Choice, Choice, Choice. Choice. But how to love? Once the decision is made, sweet Jesus, how do I love? You're so Good at Love. It's Who You are, not what you do. How can I communicate the same Love You give to me to Joshua? Once again, He spoke, "Your decision to love will often be refined in the heat of moments, moments when you cannot love of yourself but of Me. But where your love will flourish most is with Me, in Me. Love Me. I am perfect Love. Learn to love an imperfect being by learning to Love me. I will always respond to your gestures, always tell you how beautiful you are, always have a kind word, and never respond out of circumstance. And view it this way, daughter. You can learn love from me and then practice it the way that I love you. I love you, someone who is growing, struggling, falling, and gaining. In that same way, you are given the opportunity to love Joshua. Be perfected in love."

In June I was reading the Rob Bell book "Sex God." In it he writes: "Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level. You are worth dying for." He ends up going on to ask a series of questions to the [female] reader about the man she's dating and if he makes her feel that way. As I read, I cried, realizing all those doubting questions were melting away.

Joshua is gold. He is so different from what I always imagined and he is everything I never knew I needed. I thank God for His sovereignty and precious love to know me better than I do, to give to me a way to love like He does and a way to feel the love that He has for me in yet another way. How blessed am I that the Love of my life cares for me so richly, so deeply, so unconditionally that He had it in His heart to share all of Joshua with all of me?

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better
Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am
-Ingrid Michaelson, "Way I Am"

I said, "Yes!"

So yesterday was by far one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. It began with my sisters bringing me an incredible breakfast in bed (cinnamon raisin french toast, frozen fruit parfait, scrambled eggs, eggnog hot chocolate, and orange juice) prepared by my adorable, thoughtful boyfriend. I was given an invitation sealed with wax that gave me my itinerary for the day, requesting I join my "host" for a day of "arts and culture." I was told to dress appropriately for the weather as it would be sunny with a high of 61 and very windy. Also, I was given a video camera and digital camera to borrow for the day's use.

A couple of hours later (plenty of time to shower and prepare) Joshua picked me up and we headed for the Kimbell Art Museum. They didn't have any extra exhibits open but we looked at their own collection and walked around the outside gardens a bit. We went to Jimmy John's for lunch and had some great laugher and conversation. I ended up making a request to switch out the Modern Art Musuem with "007: Quantum of Solace" (very "arts and culture," I know). Either way, we enjoyed the movie. Originally the plan before the movie was to go to the Fort Worth Water Gardens for sparkling cider and chocolate (no wine for the underage, heh) but it was such a blustery day that we sat in the car and looked like winos laughing and filming ourselves drinking bubbly stuff.

Finally, after a day of pleading and teasing to try and discover what the "mystery dinner reservation" was, we were headed there! I pestered him the whole way but he wouldn't relent especially since I had "like three seconds to find out." Whatever. We parked on the far side of a building on Camp Bowie and I thought that the coffee house we'd pulled in front of must have some really grand surprise. But we walked right by it and I was thoroughly confused. Instead we descended into the basement of the Italian Inn. It was a unique dive and I was thinking that dinner looked like it was going to be a lot of fun. Little did I know that when the waitress got his name and said she had "something special" it would mean a room full of my close family and friends!

Completely shocked (and I mean completely!) all kinds of emotion flooded my chest and head.  I looked at Joshua, swung my gaze around the filled room, and stared at my parents. As I returned my eyes to Joshua's, he began to talk about how everyone in the room had been a part of my life in some way that was really important and he had wanted them there to share in this very important part of our lives. As he got down on his knee, I thought my heart would explode. Even writing this, my eyes are welling up with tears. Then he asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him.I said "YES!!!"Family is everything. 

The details: Yesterday was actually my Grandpa and Grandma Carrigan's wedding anniversary. Italian Inn is where my parents got engaged twenty-something years ago. My ring belonged to my Nana who gave it to my mom who passed it on to me.

A fun note: Joshua had a whole speech prepared (that of course went out the window and boiled down to the most simple, meaningful words) and when he panicked, he put the ring on with my purity ring still under it, so in some of the pictures you can see me wearing one super long ring and not bending my knuckle, haha. 

P.S. I will post the video on Facebook and/or Youtube when it's edited. Pictures are to come... they will both be on Facebook and our wedding website.

Yes.

Sometimes I take moments to drown. Sometimes those moments get me lost... I go down the rabbit hole of really scary thoughts and I find myself in something like Wonderland without the wonder. And other times I find another way to drown. I look into His eyes. There I don't find myself-- not immediately. What I see is Someone wholly Good. Someone Who in an act of divine justice did not take vengeance upon my wandering soul. He did not berate me for falling short of His purest intentions. He did not even offer shrug and a "better luck next time." Instead, His justice was mercy. It was getting on His knees in the dirt with me, gently lifting my burden, and taking my punishment on His back, all the way to the death that had my name on it.

There is something about looking that Love in the eyes and realizing there is nothing to give that can possibly gratify the partiality of a God Who gives Himself.  It is humbling in the truest of senses. It restores perspective to know that indeed, I am incapable. I am unqualified. I am beloved. Those questions of ability, self-worth, past, present, and future dim. They are not less relevant, simply less urgent. 

"Yes." It is my answer. It is my response. It is a step of trust, an acknowledgment of sovereignty. When I do not understand, it's an act of faith. When I am fearful, it's an act of courage. When I cannot explain, it's an act of surrender. "Yes."

Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November

Hm. So I was nearly able to keep my mouth shut but with this God-given freedom to speech, I think I will externally process a bit.

Initially I was in shock as I heard the counts for Obama. It was not so much that I did not anticipate the possibility, I simply just had to deal with the realization that the American people were so very, very confused. I have very close friends that voted that way, and I mean no offense. In fact, I offer what congratulations I can for your "win," I suppose. And I pray to God that I am wrong for my foundations of nervousness in this man's motivations and incapabilities.

My interests are indeed on the morality, the economy, and the security of our nation. I fear that Obama seeks (unintentionally or otherwise) to neutralize our country. We are in a very precarious position to be trusting in the vague promise of "change." As a Christian, I feel a very strong call to continue in prayer and fasting for my nation and for my leaders, whether I agree with their political stances or not. I am a citizen of one nation under God, not one nation under a Republican or Democrat.

Personally, I have found it mildly amusing if not ironic that today, the day after our election, is Guy Fawkes Day, celebrated in England, made famous in America by the DC Comics film "V for Vendetta" (a fabulous move, in my opinion). The holiday was originally to make an example of Guy Fawkes because he was a terrorist making an attempt on a life. He has come to be known in this age as a martyr-hero who took a stand against an oppressive government. I honestly do not know the minute facts of the holiday but I take from it anyway a reminder that the purpose of government is not to fix us, nor pacify us, not to control us, nor imprison us but to preserve our freedoms and to protect the people from control, imminent danger, or attack-- even if it be from the government itself.

Remember, remember
The fifth of November:
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I know of no reason
The gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.