Peace, Joy, and Presents: Happy Christmas

Today was our first Christmas together and it was absolutely precious. For Christmas Eve, we spent time with the family and went to our family friends' house for their big get-together. We had a great time playing "dirty Santa." Joshua ended up with a very useful $25 to Home Depot and I snagged an oil burner and a Christmas decoration to be added to my budding collection. (Over the recent months, Joshua has become acquainted with my family's Christmas craze and realized that his future wife pretty much takes the cake on Christmas Queen). On our way home, we stopped at one of those synchronized Christmas light shows and then proceeded with family tradition of our myrrh, frankincense, and gold gifts.

Family Tradition #1: As a way to keep the gift-receiving part of Christmas in a healthy mindset, my parents started this three-gift tradition. 1. Myrrh was an embalming ointment given to Mary and Joseph at Jesus' birth, valuable and a prophetic symbol of how He was born to die that we may live. The gift that goes with this one is something having to do with the body, perfumes, clothes, makeup, etc. 2. Frankincense was another gift, known as one of the premiere "cure-all" treatments and it was designated to be burned in God's temple. This one always relates to the individual's relationship to Father, often worship CDs, a new Bible, devotionals or even allegorical books. 3. Gold, the last of the mentioned magi gifts, was obviously the most general and valuable, and our gold gift is usually something of great importance that the receiver really wants.

Family Tradition #2: This one is an old tradition on my mom's side of the family. At midnight between the 23rd and 24th, the first person to call "Christmas Eve Gift" gets to open one gift a whole day earlier than everyone else. As a rule, I win this. Every so often, I grant the privelege to someone else, but let it be known that out of all my competitive family, I dominate. Haha, so I'm joking. But, really. I do. Needless to clarify, I won this year too. I will never outgrow this tradition.

Me Tradition #3: Laying awake on the 23rd and 24th because I cannot sleep because of all of my excitement... I love, love, love gifts. I also like surprises in the sense that I enjoy being surprised (however, the NOT KNOWING of it all drives me crazy) and I truly enjoy the reaction on others' faces when they open something from me.

We ended up persuading the parents to let us open the gifts from each other as well (all of us kids draw names and then go in on stuff for mom and dad. Hunter drew Joshua who drew Hannah. Ashtyn and I got each other). We had so much fun with every one sitting around getting excited for each other and ourselves, sharing in joy and family. Joshua and I were super stoked to get the cookware from our registry. It was a huge contribution to our household as we both enjoy dabbling in the culinary arts. Also, a pizza cutter, measuring spoons and cups were a few more everyday items that tickled our to-be-wed fancy. Included in what I gave Joshua was a DVD I made with a video of his proposal and four slideshows (our lives together, the day of the proposal, the proposal event itself, and our engagement photos), complete with sweet iDVD menus and customized buttons, scene selection, and music. I'm pretty proud of that one, not gonna lie.

Today we ate breakfast, opened stockings, and played with "Dad's" new Wii Rockband waiting for friends to join use for lunch. Food, games, and movies comprised our fun-filled day. Now I am half-watching "The Incredible Hulk" as "the boys" play with Joshua's Batman action figure sliding on dental floss from second story to front door (indeed, boys will be boys).

As I look forward to the future and all of the wonderful, sweet Christmases Joshua and I will enjoy, I have to admit that I very much appreciate and covet this one. Sometimes the stresses of life cave in around the holidays and it all seems like too much. But family really is priceless and I jealously bottle these moments knowing always that "this too shall pass" applies to both good and bad. Thank You, Jesus, for a day to celebrate everything beautiful.

To Be Perfected In Love

Today I was working on our wedding website writing my side of "our story" (the page will be up once Joshua has written his perspective). It got me to pondering a lot of things like how I came to realize Joshua is "the one." I ended up adding some of this into the story:

As humorous as our beginning is, there's really a lot of weight to it. I remember a time in the prayer house echoing a prayer I'd prayed a hundred times already. "Papa, is this You? I don't know how to be in a relationship halfway, so I need Your release. A no is a no, a yes is a yes, but I need something concrete. I want my heart to be MORE Yours, not less."
Clearer than clear I felt, "What do you want?"
"What do you mean? I just asked YOU that!"
"Rachel, I don't make your decisions for you. This is a relationship you and I are in. You choose to be with me just as I've chosen to be with you. Is this the man you choose to be with?"

That question rang in my heart for days. I laid in bed one night telling my roomie about the conversation, mulling it over, what did it mean, what was my answer. The truth I kept returning to was that in the highs of life -- enjoying simple things like cooking together or more extravagant joys like our wedding day or the birth of our children-- and in the lows --disappointments, disagreements, frustrations, miscommunications-- the choice would remain. I could not base my choice on feeling like I was in love, in like, whatever. Love is a decision, a resolution, a covenant. It grows deeper with time and richer with experience. That's why I don't buy into the "just wait till the honeymoon phase is over" propaganda. Life is, love is what you make it.

That was only the beginning of His revelations to me about relationship- relationship between man and God, man and woman, person and person. It's so deep, so sacrificial, so genuine. It is not about the individual but the two, the pair, the "us": interacting, loving, sinking low in order to raise another, the ups, downs, victorious days, and even the very human moments. As He shared His heart with me over the last nine months, I realized that Joshua was the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to build a relationship that was so solid it wasn't shaken by days lacking feeling or flowing over with emotion. Relationship is meant to be rich with life, love, covenant. Passion ebbs and flows, but it shouldn't cease. It moves and grows with life.

Choice. Choice, Choice, Choice. Choice. But how to love? Once the decision is made, sweet Jesus, how do I love? You're so Good at Love. It's Who You are, not what you do. How can I communicate the same Love You give to me to Joshua? Once again, He spoke, "Your decision to love will often be refined in the heat of moments, moments when you cannot love of yourself but of Me. But where your love will flourish most is with Me, in Me. Love Me. I am perfect Love. Learn to love an imperfect being by learning to Love me. I will always respond to your gestures, always tell you how beautiful you are, always have a kind word, and never respond out of circumstance. And view it this way, daughter. You can learn love from me and then practice it the way that I love you. I love you, someone who is growing, struggling, falling, and gaining. In that same way, you are given the opportunity to love Joshua. Be perfected in love."

In June I was reading the Rob Bell book "Sex God." In it he writes: "Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level. You are worth dying for." He ends up going on to ask a series of questions to the [female] reader about the man she's dating and if he makes her feel that way. As I read, I cried, realizing all those doubting questions were melting away.

Joshua is gold. He is so different from what I always imagined and he is everything I never knew I needed. I thank God for His sovereignty and precious love to know me better than I do, to give to me a way to love like He does and a way to feel the love that He has for me in yet another way. How blessed am I that the Love of my life cares for me so richly, so deeply, so unconditionally that He had it in His heart to share all of Joshua with all of me?

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching; I'll make it better
Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am
-Ingrid Michaelson, "Way I Am"

I said, "Yes!"

So yesterday was by far one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. It began with my sisters bringing me an incredible breakfast in bed (cinnamon raisin french toast, frozen fruit parfait, scrambled eggs, eggnog hot chocolate, and orange juice) prepared by my adorable, thoughtful boyfriend. I was given an invitation sealed with wax that gave me my itinerary for the day, requesting I join my "host" for a day of "arts and culture." I was told to dress appropriately for the weather as it would be sunny with a high of 61 and very windy. Also, I was given a video camera and digital camera to borrow for the day's use.

A couple of hours later (plenty of time to shower and prepare) Joshua picked me up and we headed for the Kimbell Art Museum. They didn't have any extra exhibits open but we looked at their own collection and walked around the outside gardens a bit. We went to Jimmy John's for lunch and had some great laugher and conversation. I ended up making a request to switch out the Modern Art Musuem with "007: Quantum of Solace" (very "arts and culture," I know). Either way, we enjoyed the movie. Originally the plan before the movie was to go to the Fort Worth Water Gardens for sparkling cider and chocolate (no wine for the underage, heh) but it was such a blustery day that we sat in the car and looked like winos laughing and filming ourselves drinking bubbly stuff.

Finally, after a day of pleading and teasing to try and discover what the "mystery dinner reservation" was, we were headed there! I pestered him the whole way but he wouldn't relent especially since I had "like three seconds to find out." Whatever. We parked on the far side of a building on Camp Bowie and I thought that the coffee house we'd pulled in front of must have some really grand surprise. But we walked right by it and I was thoroughly confused. Instead we descended into the basement of the Italian Inn. It was a unique dive and I was thinking that dinner looked like it was going to be a lot of fun. Little did I know that when the waitress got his name and said she had "something special" it would mean a room full of my close family and friends!

Completely shocked (and I mean completely!) all kinds of emotion flooded my chest and head.  I looked at Joshua, swung my gaze around the filled room, and stared at my parents. As I returned my eyes to Joshua's, he began to talk about how everyone in the room had been a part of my life in some way that was really important and he had wanted them there to share in this very important part of our lives. As he got down on his knee, I thought my heart would explode. Even writing this, my eyes are welling up with tears. Then he asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him.I said "YES!!!"Family is everything. 

The details: Yesterday was actually my Grandpa and Grandma Carrigan's wedding anniversary. Italian Inn is where my parents got engaged twenty-something years ago. My ring belonged to my Nana who gave it to my mom who passed it on to me.

A fun note: Joshua had a whole speech prepared (that of course went out the window and boiled down to the most simple, meaningful words) and when he panicked, he put the ring on with my purity ring still under it, so in some of the pictures you can see me wearing one super long ring and not bending my knuckle, haha. 

P.S. I will post the video on Facebook and/or Youtube when it's edited. Pictures are to come... they will both be on Facebook and our wedding website.

Yes.

Sometimes I take moments to drown. Sometimes those moments get me lost... I go down the rabbit hole of really scary thoughts and I find myself in something like Wonderland without the wonder. And other times I find another way to drown. I look into His eyes. There I don't find myself-- not immediately. What I see is Someone wholly Good. Someone Who in an act of divine justice did not take vengeance upon my wandering soul. He did not berate me for falling short of His purest intentions. He did not even offer shrug and a "better luck next time." Instead, His justice was mercy. It was getting on His knees in the dirt with me, gently lifting my burden, and taking my punishment on His back, all the way to the death that had my name on it.

There is something about looking that Love in the eyes and realizing there is nothing to give that can possibly gratify the partiality of a God Who gives Himself.  It is humbling in the truest of senses. It restores perspective to know that indeed, I am incapable. I am unqualified. I am beloved. Those questions of ability, self-worth, past, present, and future dim. They are not less relevant, simply less urgent. 

"Yes." It is my answer. It is my response. It is a step of trust, an acknowledgment of sovereignty. When I do not understand, it's an act of faith. When I am fearful, it's an act of courage. When I cannot explain, it's an act of surrender. "Yes."

Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November

Hm. So I was nearly able to keep my mouth shut but with this God-given freedom to speech, I think I will externally process a bit.

Initially I was in shock as I heard the counts for Obama. It was not so much that I did not anticipate the possibility, I simply just had to deal with the realization that the American people were so very, very confused. I have very close friends that voted that way, and I mean no offense. In fact, I offer what congratulations I can for your "win," I suppose. And I pray to God that I am wrong for my foundations of nervousness in this man's motivations and incapabilities.

My interests are indeed on the morality, the economy, and the security of our nation. I fear that Obama seeks (unintentionally or otherwise) to neutralize our country. We are in a very precarious position to be trusting in the vague promise of "change." As a Christian, I feel a very strong call to continue in prayer and fasting for my nation and for my leaders, whether I agree with their political stances or not. I am a citizen of one nation under God, not one nation under a Republican or Democrat.

Personally, I have found it mildly amusing if not ironic that today, the day after our election, is Guy Fawkes Day, celebrated in England, made famous in America by the DC Comics film "V for Vendetta" (a fabulous move, in my opinion). The holiday was originally to make an example of Guy Fawkes because he was a terrorist making an attempt on a life. He has come to be known in this age as a martyr-hero who took a stand against an oppressive government. I honestly do not know the minute facts of the holiday but I take from it anyway a reminder that the purpose of government is not to fix us, nor pacify us, not to control us, nor imprison us but to preserve our freedoms and to protect the people from control, imminent danger, or attack-- even if it be from the government itself.

Remember, remember
The fifth of November:
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I know of no reason
The gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

As the air settles, the tension rises.

Tonight, as the air settled and I took a moment to locate peace, I felt a little shaken. It is too easy to think that life "requires" fill-in-the-blank. What right does life have to require anything of me? Society demands performance, qualification, and three-point, double-spaced, concise thesis statement-oriented essays. I have not and cannot meet that kind of expectation. Let me rephrase that. I can, but I shall not-- for in that state, I function but do not flourish.

It is the {blatant, disguised, colorful, terrifying, undeniable, comforting, inherent} difference between life according to law and the abundant life with grace.

Tonight, as the air settled, I felt suffocated. One can argue high standards versus legalism until the lines blur, yet it's all a clanging cymbal without love, without relationship. What does it all mean anyhow? What is the purpose? Good intentions pave the road to hell. It is of no benefit to this world nor is it worship to our Creator if we as Christians cannot live in relationship with one another, if we cannot be healthy, whole people with messes and problems we confront and resolve. Show me a person without fault and I will show you a hypocrite. I do not want to be the "faultless" person. However, I shall not settle for jaded, ruined, nor resigned. My heart's desire (and paradoxically, my heart's confusion) is the heartbeat of God: People. People. People.

I simply want this: to love and be loved. To be compassionate, patient, understanding, generous, inviting, and genuine. To trust and be trusted. To model the safety I have in my Father with and through those in my life.

Tonight, as the air settled, I knew peace.



"...The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?" -Psalm 27:1

And then we did.

"Never a boring day..." has become a phrase I use to describe my life. Not because I don't have boring moments, but life is never boring when you're chasing Jesus; adventure is merely a day in the life. I heard someone say once, "If you think being a Christian is boring, then you're missing something." So here's the reason I had to say that phrase yesterday...

I'm moving back to Texas. And so is Joshua.

Joshua says one of the craziest sentences to ever come out of his life was yesterday: "So. What if I don't get on the plane tonight?" And then we followed through with it. I love my life.

We are going to spend a year (and hear me: a year) in DFW with my family getting some personal goals accomplished and each of us getting ahead financially. Then we will head back to Redding next year because we both know we are not finished being under the Bethel covering and teaching. Even though it's a "sabbatical" of sorts, there is a lot to be accomplished during this time and we are both looking forward to it. I am going to invest this time into paying off some personal debt, receiving some strategy about how to accomplish my destiny, pouring into family and close friendships.

So on the 20th we are going home to Redding to pack up in three days and drive my car down here, our new home. I have more peace about this crazy thing that makes almost no sense than all the other possibilities that made plenty of sense. I absolutely know that this is where God has me and that I'm following His voice, which is all I need in order to have complete peace. Don't get me wrong, my heart aches at the distance between dear, dear friends and my sweet church, but it's only for this season and I've no doubt that He'll fill in the gap.

Prayer Requests: profitable, enjoyable jobs for both Joshua and I, a smooth transition from Cali to here, and also just the life adjustment that's required for all of this.

Thoughts on "American Teen" by an American teen

//High school could be a mini-me of the rest of society. There's always a prom queen. There will always be, always be celebrities. Sadly some will be eternally keeping score for popularity and just cause they all do doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school...//

There's an independent movie out by Paramount Vantage and A&E Indie Films called "American Teen." In documentary style, it shows the questions and confusion of senior year with students from various cliques.

To be honest, it took me awhile to decide if I actually liked the film. I left with an odd feeling I could not quite place. It was really nice to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled with graduating and trying to find where I belonged, that I was not alone in my search for a life path in that sudden thrust into adulthood. I enjoyed the overall production, thought it was creatively done, and resonated with the connection it was trying to make.

My dad asked what the message was or if it even had one (because some indie films "are trying to make a point about pointlessness") and it got me to thinking about what I saw:

Teenagers aren't just self-absorbed brats who need a good slap of reality. But they can be. Life transitioning from high school to college is hard. Everyone has to answer core personal questions despite social class/status, clique, or conviction. Relationships are dangerous. Teenagers do indeed know the meaning of "pressure" whether they recognize and/or handle it well or not.

Not groundless points, but I finally placed the missing piece to my weighty feeling.

What my general impression boiled down to was a sense that "there is no answer." Or rather, "there are more questions than answers and that identity is in what you do. Everyone needs a sense of belonging and you find it in what you like and who you are is a coincidence." Too many things are easy to relate to and yet very untrue. Experiences color our philosophies and although they can lead us to and reinforce truth, they are not a solid foundation.

Like how a sister's suicide cannot tell you how to handle pressure any more than how others treat us defines our worth. Or another deception like just because you can get away with it, it's okay. Like what it really boils down to is what college we attend. Like conforming is the only way to belong. Like rebelling is the only way to be yourself. Like there are limits to who you are and what you can do based on anything other than your choices.

Those kinds of experiences. Cannot. Define. Us. I think what we associate with is an extremely dangerous choice. What do we empathize with, what do we love, what do we loathe? What drives us? Do I nod my head the whole way through because high school is so all-that-drama or because deep down inside I still am searching? Where's my honesty level at? How much of my life is performance? Of course I need people, crave connection, but is the desire connection or identity?

As I climb down off my self-implicating soapbox, let me return to my appreciation of the movie.

Hannah was definitely the "character" I identified with-- quirky, opinionated, angsty, artsy, silly, awkward... She dances around the living room, "Turn it up man, turn it up!" She holds up tough talking about her mom's depression and then breaks down into sobs over saying goodbye to her best friend. She doesn't do crowds well but when she makes a connection, she gives her whole self. Her greatest fear is probably being "too much" and then again, greater than that is the fear of not being true to herself, of waking up one day and saying, "I don't know me."

So take it with a grain of salt-- an aware mind and an open heart are both essential tools for breaking this struggle down. For my part, I savored the personal evaluation.

//...We've all got bad yearbook photos which we forgot to let go and just like acne our insecurity should be something we left with the jv. So here's to letting go of yearbook photos, things we kept that hold us down. So. That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow. We are tomorrow, we are tomorrow//

Scrabble

Another piece, more recent. I'm rereading stuff in order to get inspired. It's time to start writing again and I cannot even begin to tell you how happy that makes me.

***

Scrabble
October 28, 2007

The sun shines, the moon lights
Night and day take turns
Like they are playing Scrabble
Spelling out L-I-F-E
Trailing letters, each burns
To leave an impression on me.
And they do. What does not?
I am impressed, impressionable.
I never left that state, pliable
Remaining. There is a child
Within, around, in
Dwelling. Where is a blot
Remover when I need it?
Everyone gets one chance
One life to live, one dance
And who ever gets it right?
I certainly have not, am not
That person who never has dirt
Under her fingernails or hurt
In her heart. Understand this:
Anyone who claims entirety
Lives not in reality but insecurity.
Smudgeless mascara and color
Coordinating shoes:
Remind me not to lose
Respect when I am in lack--
I am completely incomplete,
But only by choice.
I have been shattered
In the places it really matters
Rationale crumbles, ordinary falls
In love with extraordinary, all
For the sake of a longing,
A sense of belonging
In the back-and-forth sway
That brings on the day:
A yes, a dare, a dance
To which I, the willing victim of romance,
Assented.

"Words Words Words"

I was looking through some old documents to see what I need to transfer to my external hard drive from my parents' computer. I ran across this piece. It's always amusing to find old writings; sometimes I like them because I have an affection for the piece or the moment and then other times it's all I can do not to delete them whether it's disdain for the former inspiration or simply an "I could do better" feeling. This is of the former category... I like this piece; it has a playful composition with a lot of honest "me" in it. It's nearly a couple years old now. Feel free to share your thoughts/criticisms/praises.

"Words Words Words"

Black ink, dark scribbles
Of thoughts and always
These incessant words rambling
Like my head to myself
Words words words
And what am I to do
Without you to talk to?
Silence is within reach but
Why stretch so far for
What won’t hold me?
Suffocations of a soul:
Frustration don’t you know;
That’s the rhythm, the cadence
The unending balance of
Yeses and nos and maybes,
Now and then a perchance.
But time runs like the eagle
Flies anytime
But when I need the grace
And agility of hope.
What of it anyway?
Hope, like words, a word
Should be simple but
There’s an adventure.
I know it, I feel it:
A more, the rest of the iceberg.
Don’t let it take me out.
Take me with you.
Do you dare?
Words words words
A plea and a reminder
Of the pirate’s legend:
Bad luck be a woman aboard
Your ship. If it wasn’t for the pirate
Soul, it leaks out your dazzling eyes
That won’t be consoled
I would stowaway, yet
You must know the risks.
(For there always have been
Chances to take chances).
Take one now, a stand.
Make a wish,
Grant it to yourself.
Words words words
A wish. I dare you
To wish for me.
Return to childhood and
Remember that a dare
Has more clout than
A vague legend.
Toss it out; take it all in
Too much is the way
I always run and always will
A seatbelt, an emergency exit
Both necessary for anything else.
Here safety is a boundary
But security is superfluous
In the adventure, this adventure,
The one I dared you
To take me on;
And you will, won’t you?
Never turn down a lady
To dance, they say.
Who are they anyway?
It doesn’t matter tonight
‘Cause they’re oh so right
Let’s dance and run with
Words words words
In our laugh, in my hair.
Don’t stop now:
It has only begun
Every last bit of the fun
That you knew to be true.
Ready for this? You never will be.
And that’s the best part.
All you can say is
Ready set start.
And a few more
Words words words

Graduated Cylinder

So school let out-- I still can't believe it, honestly. My mind's reeling that the nine month mark is up and my life is totally different than originally planned. Funny how that works, hm? It looks like I am going to be staying in California until further notice. There's no way it's time to leave this culture; I feel like there is still a lot more to learn and that my roots have dug in to this ground a bit. However, one's hometown is always half home (pun intended) so I will certainly be back in Texas for several weeks. I couldn't miss July 4th with family just yet, so I'll make it just in time.

My roommates and I are moving to a bigger apartment, which will be really nice space-wise, but with some recent financial challenges with my car, it's getting to be a pretty huge thing. As always, agree with supernatural provision in my life. Starbucks is not my provider but it is a means of provision, so my hours should drastically increase sometime soon. It is odd to see my life jumping back into cardboard, even if it's only for a very short migration (we're staying in the same complex). The feeling of completion is greatly appreciated and I even enjoy the "starting over" setup, but it's this in-between bit that makes me feel a little shaky and always sends me on an introspective spiral. This time, though, I am not questioning self, just flipping through the pages of life.

Growth continues as I learn what it is to trust, what it is to make decisions, what it is to be responsible and accountable, what it is to love by staying in love when I can nearly believe that I can run my life. Papa is here for me and takes care of me, offering me the chance to be faithful especially when it's not demanded.

Prayer request: I'm really seeking guidance on the 2nd year or Shasta College decision (which, incidentally, could be made for me pending my acceptance into BSSM).

Days 9 & 10: Sunday and Monday

The last two days!

Sunday (yesterday) began early rushing out the door to Tokyo Bible Church with Joanna, Donn, and baby Naava. (Dea had not slept all night, so she stayed behind). The other two group went to other churches for ministry. During first service, I explained a drawing I did in worship and afterward, the three of us prayed for a few people who needed healing. One guy, after asking me to pray for a heart condition, requested through the translator that I pray God brings him a wife! One person had a drastic decrease in pain and many walked away in full faith despite the lack of instant-healing.

We also did a second service for the youth. Joanna talked a little bit about soaking in His presence and I explained some about how God speaks in various ways (pictures, words, impressions, etc.). We had all of the kids listen to God for themselves and even though only a few had the courage to share, when asked, no one said they hadn't heard anything. Some had some really clear visions and another girl got some freedom in identity. After the service, a few came up to share what they had heard. (We aren't such intimidating tall white Americans when one on one). That service didn't end until almost four so we did not get to the David and Maria's house until after seven (they had a barbecue in our honor that started at four) where we inhaled some food, chatted for a little bit, and took off to get back to Menamisenju. All of us girls were happy to be back by nine so we could make a run down to the bathhouse for a long, cleansing, relaxing soak. It's unanimous that the bathhouse will be the most-missed thing about Japan once we're back in the states (followed closely by the "special drinks" vending machines).

Have I told you about where we are staying? Menamisenju is supposedly the "Harlem" of Tokyo, but it's still 10x better than most cities, simply because it's safe. The area we are staying in has the highest homeless population, but even they are very organized in their habits and don't bother us at all. Ironically, the only one that has been approached by a couple of drunk homeless men is Donn (who is at least 6.5 and has blonde dreadlocks). Tokyo is such a safe-feeling place. It is not particularly friendly or easy to navigate, but the Japanese have such an isolated feel that no one really bothers anyone else and pretty much everyone does what they can to not affect anyone else's life with their own. As unhealthy as that kind of thought pattern can be, it makes for a relatively safe city.

Today was our off day! (Thank You, God!) We started out at ten (yay, sleep!) for Hirajuku and we all did a lot of shopping at the Oriental Bazaar where one can find plenty of Japanese knick-knacks. I was delighted to find an adorable Japanese teaset and a set of adorable bowls that I cannot WAIT to use at home! I also picked up a few postcards for my collection and for my sister's geography project. Afterward, Donn said we had to see the view from Tokyo tower so we went up there to see how the city literally stretches to the horizon from the north, south, east, and west! It was a nice place to take a break and eat some ice cream and then take the fancy elevator (it has constellations and blacklights built into it!) back down once we had enjoyed the view to the fullest. We walked the Hirajuku streets where there are a lot of funky Tokyo-fashion shops (I pretty much could spend one's life savings there!) and I took a series of pictures in various hats. From there, most of the group went to Shibuya to do more shopping but Naava was having a really rough day so Donn and I came back to Menamisenju. He took her back to the apartment he and Dea are at and I took some money for "dinner" and went to the grocery store. That was an experience all in its own-- this puts cafeteria "mystery meat" to shame! I couldn't read a single label. But I've done alright and once I'm finished with an email, I'm headed to go pack up so I'll be ready to head back tomorrow! Later tonight us girls may find another bathhouse to try out, too. Oh lovely Japan.

Well, happy trails to me! And I'll catch you cats on the flipside. (*ahem* stateside).

A few testimonies:
*In the youth service, our translator came up to Joanna and I to ask if we would pray for her friend. The girl was a Buddhist and it was her first time to go to church-- and she'd been totally rocked! She had an experience with God during soaking time which she didn't explain to us but she had tears streaming down her face. We prayed for more encounters!!
*Another team saw a second complete knee healing!
*There was also an increase of eyesight-- a guy had tunnel vision and his range of sight opened up significantly; he went home praying for more.
*I can't remember them all... check out our team blog for more.

Day 8: Saturday

Breakfast was a good kickstart to the rest of the day: Joanna whipped up some fabulous French toast and I even snagged a nap between breakfast and departure. We went back to the Yogen (Prophecy) Cafe and did an all day seminar of sorts. I taught in the first one on Treasure Hunts and after a break, we had a second session and I did a prophetic art piece. We had a lovely dinner of Japanese pizza (which is wayyy different than American pizza but great in its own way). One had corn and mustard on it, but somehow was delicious!!

After dinner, we went out to Shibuya (a major downtown shopping area, the place that is usually in movies filmed in/about Tokyo) and had our own treasure hunts. One of the team saw a back healing! Another ministered to a girl who was depressed because of conflict with her mother. That team also had two members that separately got the word for "red dreadlocks" (which is crazy random enough) and then found him! He got a hug and therefore a shock. (The Japanese are not a very affectionate people for the most part). Two of the girls stayed back for intercession and they found a treasure and got to pray for her connections in Tokyo; she was a believer. My team activated a few Japanese in the concept of treasure hunt and we approached four or five people in our hour of time.

Tomorrow is our last day for ministry and our team received a lot of invitations for Sunday morning. We are splitting into three groups and then will meet up for a barbecue in the afternoon with a family that is one of our main contacts. Joanna and I are stoked to go with Donna and Dea back to Tokyo Bible Church where we got to hang with the children on Wednesday. Monday will be our shopping day and then Tuesday we head out. My emotions are mixed; I very much miss home (my pillow especially) yet the thought of leaving this nation is difficult too. I just have to trust that Jesus will use my little seeds to His great purpose.

Day 7: Friday

This morning the girls on the team and Donn went on a fashion tour with a to-be buyer named Masa. Yu went with us to interpret and we had an amazing time in Sunshine City and Hirajuku enjoying Tokyo's crazy sense of fashion. There is no real way to capture how truly fashionable this city is; they have their own style and everyone always looks dressed to the last accessory, men and women, young and old. We found some really amazing pieces too; I'm telling you that I found the place to buy everything "my style"-- if I had the resources... they would be spent, haha.

Right after the tour, Donn, Ally, Joanna, Kristen, and I jumped on a bus for a 1.5 hour train ride to a church where our team did a service. I did prophetic art and then after sharing a few testimonies and doing a little teaching, we did some team prophecy and gave words to the congregation. During ministry time, the presence of the Lord was really heavy and it was apparent to all who were there. It was really great to be at this particular church because the Spirit was very present and welcomed there-- we even received some refreshing at the end from them and I was given a couple prophetic words.

We missed the last bus so some very generous church members drove us all the way in to Tokyo and now-- here I am! Another memorable day in Japan, that is for sure. Hopefully I can get some really solid rest tonight... our whole team needs it! Lots of go-go-go. Without a doubt I am loving this nation and my time here, but I am ready to come home! We have a few busy days remaining, but that only means there's sufficient grace awaiting.

Fire and shalom to you!

Day 6: Thursday

I had a dream last night that I actually remembered. Our team was passing Nava around from person to person taking care of her and when they handed her to me, she looked up and said (mind you, she doesn't actually speak at all in reality), "I don't know why you are so worried; you do this so naturally." And then I woke up. It really has seemed like a message for the team that we are doing well in ministry sharing it like we have and that it's really about being naturally supernatural.

Today we met with a man named Yu at the Starbucks in Sunshine City and got to hear about his vision for the entertainment industry and his life. That was really phenomenal and a lot of fun to be discussing art as ministry and then having the opportunity to prophesy and encourage him in his goals and gifts.

This afternoon we came to a church we were invited to kind of last minute and had an afternoon session where we taught on soaking in God's presence and rest. After a break for dinner, we are doing another session to activate them in prayer/healing. Three from our group went to an art cafe--I haven't heard how that went yet. My world is expanding. I would not have thought that I was so prejudiced or self-righteous as to believe that my culture was superior to another--but there it is. I never would have said so or even believed it until I realize that I have felt up to now that I was "humoring" them in imitating their customs. Instead, I realize that different really is that--different. There are reasons and/or simple patterns of habit for their ways of life the same as in my life. I thank the Lord for this revelation and know that it's completely to my benefit because an open mind carries wisdom while a closed mind stagnates.
I have no idea if I am even making sense because I am so tired. I apologize if I am rambling or not making any sense. Good night, once again, friends.

Day 5: Wednesday

'Twas an early morning today... a quick breakfast and we launched out the door to go to Tokyo Bible School where we enjoyed worship with them (in Japanese!) and then led a service. I taught on how God speaks to us (prophesy) and then we had a fire tunnel and a prophesied over the new students. That was probably my favorite time so far, getting to enjoy the children's heart for God, share in their fun, and love on them and be loved back. They are some of the most beautiful people.

We spent the afternoon grabbing a lovely Japanese lunch and then enjoyed people-watching at Starbucks from our second-story vantage. The intersection in front of the train station is crazy! The cars will be going crazy, stopping only for their red-lights when suddenly every one has had a turn, all the lights go red, and the pedestrians cross in a human tsunami! People flood the street and all you can see is business suits and plenty of snazzy Tokyo fashion.

In the late afternoon, Donn, Joanna, and I met up with some ladies at Waseda University to pass out flyers for their weekly Bible study and then shared some stories from school, a few testimonies, and heard about what called them to their respective ministries. We snagged a bit to eat at a little eatery where I tried mincemeat and ginger in (obviously) rice. The women we met were such warriors and I was truly humbled to be able to join them. It was really cool to feel like I was taking an intercessory stand for the education mountain of influence that I am called to.

Now, I'm showered and happy (I just talked to my family!!) so I think I'm gonna grab some much needed sleep. Pray for refreshment and energy... we still have five solid days! Over halfway through and still enjoying this captivating country.

Day 4: Tuesday

How much can Tokyo stand? We're here to find out! =) Today was a slower day... Some got up this morning to go to the fish market at 5 am and a few of us passed in order to get some much needed revivalist-rest. We added pineapple and bananas to our team breafast and had an agenda meeting and hung out-- there was too much rain to do anything else! I am really enjoying my team; they all have such vision and unique goals. There's a lot of purpose in our power-packed group of ten.

Cultural experience of the day: the bathhouse. It is exactly what it sounds like. The girls of the team all went for a "bonding" experience. Nothing like complete exposure in a foreign setting to make you feel chummy. Enough said.

On the way to our meeting, we picked up a meal to go (there's a Japanese word for it-- I'll figure it out) and wondered around a colorful shop-strip. I got some chocolate covered almonds to satisfy my chocolate craving and we all sampled some fried potatoes that were pretty great. Nothing like lots of walking and trains to get your appetite going!

Tonight we met with the YWAM base leaders, had some phenomenal worship, a message from Donn, and then our team prophesied. It's so good to refresh those that are in the trenches fighting for Japan. There really is nothing like meeting up with brothers and sisters and recognizing them by the Jesus in their eyes.

Over and out!

Day 3: Monday

Testimony From Home: There was a team going down to Mexico that raised a baby from the dead. It was thrown from a car in front of them and it wasn't breathing for 6 minutes; they prayed and it started to breathe and the mom got saved!

As for Japan, the culture as a whole is just beautiful but the girls are particularly gorgeous. I'm constantly stunned by their beauty and then shocked by a blank look in their eyes. My daddy was right-- the heart for Japan came after obedience. I absolutely love these people; I've felt His heart and I can see huge potential for this nation. They have a foundation of honor-- but honor without relationship boils down to rules, just like anything else. We've prayed for a passion and an encounter-- after all, everyone is only one encounter away from a paradigm-shift!

Our time at the prophecy cafe went so well! I did prophetic art in the second session and I prayed for a lady whose vision improved and she had an experience with God, another lady's shoulders got 90% better and she went home believing for the last bit, and then I got to pray/prophecy over a mother and three kids from Chicago who were missionaries waiting for their husband/dad to move from Osaka. They were some of the most beautiful children (Madison, Matthew, and Kellen) I've ever seen! I've got pictures of them, too; they're supposed to be at the cafe again this weekend when we take everyone out on treasure hunts. There was one lady Donn and Dia prayed for whose knees got 90% better and then I joined and got to see the last 10% healed!! She was moving her leg around and kept telling us in Japanese that she hasn't moved it like that in a long time!

This week, I am really looking forward to going to a really prominent university sometime this week, I think for a prayer walk. Also, we're going to get to meet up with two people in particular-- one from the entertainment industry and another from the fashion industry. We're gonna tap into as many mountains of influence as possible! In a few hours (5:30am) we're going to the fish market, so I need to get some sleep. I'm sipping a warm Cafe au Lait that comes from a vending machine. It's a little weak on the coffee side, but not bad for a $1.50 vend.

If anyone wants to get on Skype, I'm going to try to be on tomorrow afternoon, my time... Redding is 14 hours behind and Texas is 16. I don't know what that will put you at-- probably some ungodly hour. Anyhow, have a good Monday, everyone! I fully enjoyed mine.

Tokyo: Days 1 & 2

So we flew out of Redding at 9 am Pacific time on Saturday, April 5th and here in Japan it's now 9:20pm on Sunday, April 6th. That means I've been up for almost forty hours, minus a few power naps, ranging from 5-45 minutes. I'm about to go crash and attempt to get at least 11 hours sleep, but I had to say "konnichiwa" and Japan is amazing! We got here just before sunset and I caught a glimpse of the beautiful cherry blossoms! We're catching the tail-end of the season, but just enough to enjoy it thoroughly.

We had a couple hour layover in San Francisco so I made a few quick phone calls before we had a team-prophecy session. The plane ride was long, but I made the most of the 10.5 hours and worked on my teaching on prophecy, began reading for my next homework-book, slept some, and watched a bit of the sequel to National Treasure. Once we landed in Tokyo-Narita Airport, I got my first passport stamp, discovered bidets in the bathroom, and coddled little Nava (Donn and Dia's year-old daughter) as she gazed with her wide, sleepy blue-eyes at the foreign surroundings. I've taken a few pictures and I'll attempt to share some tomorrow (we'll see what time looks like). After an hour-and-a-half train ride, we took a ten minute walk to our hostel, dropped our stuff, and ran for a bite of food at the local YWAM base. The rice-mix was great, but I have to admit the seaweed was a bit much.

Well, I'm off for a bit of sleep!
祝福 (Blessings!)

Some Have Winds of Change, I Have A Gale of Questions

It never ceases to amaze me how I can write a post and by the next time I think to glance at my blog again, nearly a month has passed. I ought to do more frequent, more concise updates but such is the life. February was quite eventful, but not in ways I can really explain. I hit both ends of the spectrum as far as my growth is concerned. Fear revealed some areas in my life that need to mature, but there is something about exposing things to the light that is healing in itself. Follow-through has become something I am learning to develop in my life as well; part of that was discovered in realizing that I need people in my life that practice follow-through in order to build that habit myself. Key words: I. Need. People.

A few countdowns are going on in my life right now and they are exciting ones:
My parents are coming in 9 days! I have a couple girlfriends coming to visit over the next month and spring break is the last week of March (plans are sketchy at best-- we'll see how that goes), and... *drum roll* my birthday is in less than a month! I love birthdays anyway, but this one holds a lot of weight to it: 18. I'm not going to go introspective on you with that one, needless to say, I am terrified and highly anticipating all the fun.

St. Patrick's Day is coming up and of course the silliness inside of me is very excited. The kindergarten class I'm working with is having a party so I am looking forward to helping set up treasure hunts, leprechaun boot-prints, and four-leaf clovers everywhere. And wearing insane amounts of green. Looove it. (Plus my parents will be here!)

Spring has been teasing us with beautiful sunny days, followed by cold, windy ones, often including storms. I've definitely learned my lesson to savor the sun, but the weather is just fabulous. My mountains keep me in awe and I catch a sunset whenever I can. In fact, I have begun attempting painting and find that my favorite place to paint is my backporch as the sun sets behind the Sundial Bridge. Of course, the living room isn't bad either-- especially for spontaneous "Let's paint rocks!" sessions inspired by my lovely Canadian goose-- Kari.

Please pray for some guidance in my life from the Lord. It is my goal this month to make some decisions about next year. I'd like to come back to Redding because it has become "home" to me like I never expected. At the same time, I pretty much had an emotional breakdown at the idea of not being a part of the lives of everyone at home-home (Texas). Either way, I'm hoping to pursue my education next year no matter the location, but of course, all in His timing. As much as I know what I want, I've never felt more surrendered and subject to where He's taking all of this (as in, my life). The path lies before me and though it's only lit for the next step, I eagerly await the next revelation.

Blown Tires & The Winds of Opportunity

Konnichiwa.

Today I woke up to a bright morning. However, when I hit the highway I felt my car jolt and suddenly I remembered my encounter with a median leaving work last night. Long story short, I walked five blocks to work, missed my leadership meeting after work, and was rescued by my "big brother" out here. I also learned how to change a tire and air up a spare (mine was flat, yay) so now I'm shopping for a new tire so my life doesn't come to a screeching halt, haha.

In other news... During recess today, I got a call from the missions department at school. He offered me a position on the Tokyo trip, with the church covering the $130 difference between my balance and the airfare amount due today so that I could be the tenth on the trip. After some prayer, soul-searching, and one quick Daddy-phone-call, I was in. Just like that... I'm going to be ministering in church-plants in Japan! What an opportunity! Apparently God has His own plan because I definitely would not have opted for Japan on my own. So continue to pray for my missions trip... just a continent over.

And as for tomorrow, the lovely Valentine's Day and all that it implies... Morning: Passing out Valentine's to kindergarteners and enjoying the simplest view of the day ever. Afternoon: renewal of focus and realizing that revivalists don't hate days like tomorrow. Evening: the girls and I are going out with some friends for dinner at Logan's (thank you Mom and Dad for my Christmas giftcard!) So of course, with an apartment full of girls (and then some), there's been lots of talk about warped red shape day. We're not celebrating a superficial consumer-driven what's-the-point-of-that-kind-of-love-anyway. We're celebrating the life of a man (St. Valentine) who loved God, saw people healed, raised from the dead, and married people in private when the government was dictating what was of God and what was not. We are celebrating a revivalist-lifestyle. There's the ministry school student take on it, haha. Take it with a piece of chocolate.

I hope all is well with you-- Please send me an email sometime and update me on your world.

California, Claustrophobia, and Contemplation

San Francisco was a lovely way to vacate my small town. Claustrophobia has been chewing the borders of my mental sanity and I had to get out. You ever get that feeling that you can't do anything without everyone questioning your every move? Whether it's true or not, it's a tight feeling and it stresses me out. So I left. I met a friend at my uncle and aunt's downtown and made a break for it. The ocean was by far my favorite moment, just because the vast, unending water makes me feel like myself. I don't question who I am, I don't care what anyone thinks I am, and I watch the waves as I talk to God and daydream about what --I can never remember later.

'Twas lovely-- Friday I got to enjoy Thai food, good company, and Serendipity. I can't even recall the last time I had Thai food, so that was a treat. Saturday was ocean day, a walk through Golden Gate Park, eating at Johnny Rocket's on the Pier, and wandering North Beach, followed by an evening of more lovely food (steak!) and conversation, capped off by The Holiday (somehow appropriate in context with the weekend). Today breakfast and coffee were an appropriate start to bookstore browsing and then a long--detour included-- drive home. In just a bit, Kari's birthday party will kick in and the excitement that ensues.

(Can you tell food is a theme in my life? I enjoy a good meal more thoroughly than ever).

I'm not going to Israel for my mission trip. The money didn't come in, so you guys can just pray I'll be put on an alternative that God wants. I'm pretty much heartbroken, but I do not doubt that God works all things out for good and I also have no qualms that I will one day travel and minister in the Holy Land.

On my drive home, I had lots to think about. After a weekend of distracting busyness, the introspection hit and much has come to my attention. Homesickness, a longing for independence, self-doubt, and a desperation for Jesus' comfort flooded my heart. I found myself piecing different songs together. If I was making my own combination of lyrics for the drive...

Loose lips might sink ships but loose gooses take trips
To San Francisco, double dutch disco, (Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson)
Your shadow weighs a ton--
Driving down the 101,
California, here we come (California - Phantom Planet)
We’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, (Piazza, New York Catcher - Belle & Sebastian)
You can mark my words something's about to break (Nothing Left To Lose - Mat Kearney)
Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it (Back Home - Yellowcard)
I’ll be back when I’m good and ready
California doesn’t seem to think I’m ready yet (California - Josh Ritter)
I'm not coming home tonight, so don't wait up
'Cause I bet it never gets this cold in California (Home - JamisonParker)
California,
You're such a wonder that I think I'll stay in bed (California - Rufus Wainwright)

Tonight's [Mental] Playlist

Tonight I watched most of "Jane Austen's Book Club." I'm not interested in a movie review and I'm sure you are not either, but it made me crave the company of a few certain girls, a pot of coffee, and a handful of rabbit trails that consumed meeting time like it was childhood.

After a lukewarm bath to ease my mind/soul/body I stumbled across a beat piece that captivated me:

We were so many,
We were working a one,
We were miles of moiling wheat
In a sizzling summer's heat.
But now we are scattered
And flung far apart,
But you and I still live as one
Through coals in the heart.
And if anything is left
Of the coal in the soul,
Oh, flash it to me.
-Ed Sanders, "Keeping the Issues Alive" (song)

The house is quiet now and I should probably chase the little white rabbit down the tunnel of sleep. Life is so rich with moments and fleeting thoughts that I believe I miss at least most of the poetry in my life. Perhaps there is beauty in the unseen, unnoticed, forgotten, and abandoned moments. The rose in the unravished forest blooms just as beautifully as the admired bud.

So the randomnities of my thoughts are probably contributed to by an array of songs that has had the audacity to relate to me tonight. Music and lyrics are magic to me.

Back Home - Yellowcard
Explanation - Train
It's A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna Rock and Roll - AC/DC
Everywhere (Acoustic) - Michelle Branch
From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
I'm Not Myself - John Mayer
Tuesday's Gone - Metallica
Seventeen - Tim McGraw
Tim McGraw - Taylor Swift
No Complaints - Beck
Rose of My Heart - Johnny Cash
Alive- Becki Ryan
Apres Moi - Regina Spektor
Unconditional Love - Plain White T's
She's Not You - Elvis Presley
A Poor Man's Memory - Explosions In The Sky
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Over and Over - Misty Edwards
Note to Self: Don't Die - Ryan Adams
Morning After - Elliott Smith
Trapeze Swinger - Iron&Wine
Polygraph Right Now - Spill Canvas
Just Wait - Blues Traveler
There Is No One - Barry & Michelle Patterson
Wait - Alexi Murdoch
Oh Well - Fiona Apple

§ And the music plays on...

This Too Shall Pass

Another Christmas, another season, another new year. Taking a glance backwards is appropriate at this time because it serves the purpose of reminding us of blessings, growth, loss, changes, and the most crucial thing that I am coming to realize: this too shall pass. Most is so temporal and it is terrible that so significant a thought as "make every moment count" has become so cliché.

I have had delightful Christmases, stressful Christmases, painful Christmases, and various kinds of anticlimactic Christmases. This, by far, was the most unique I have ever experienced. This time home was "home" in a deeper, more abstract sense. Home was not home because that is where my toothbrush is kept, my sleeping done, or even where I know where the silverware is. Home is the place where the familiar is precious (and pretty much taken for granted) and the sharing of moments delightful (because history is mutual). It is where comfortable is more in the atmosphere than location and where unconditional love truly resides. Never before have I been so overwhelmed by blessing and known gratitude as such a heartfelt reality instead of a passing sentiment. My friends, I am rich in all that matters; the grace of God is undeniable in my life. I deserve it not and receive it still.

'Tis the season for resolutions and this is the first year I can recall that I have none. Sure, there are some things that I would not mind tweaking and improving. However, they are all what I have been resolved on previous to the end of the year. All that I really want in 2008 is for my life to look like the transition it ought to: seven is the number of completion and eight of new beginnings. What needs to end can and the best shall be sealed in the treasure-box of experience. The dead and done can give way to the fresh and lively. It truly is all new this upcoming year and I am ready for it; I'm tired of the goodbyes and drastic endings that have occurred over '07. I graduated and that was the beginning of many ends, so many "lasts" for a season of mine. It became a catalyst for firsts, a foreshadowing for this next year as a time beginning. So here I am welcoming '08 with open arms, an open heart, and great anticipation. Surrendered, I stand.

Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
- Tennyson