//High school could be a mini-me of the rest of society. There's always a prom queen. There will always be, always be celebrities. Sadly some will be eternally keeping score for popularity and just cause they all do doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school...//
There's an independent movie out by Paramount Vantage and A&E Indie Films called "American Teen." In documentary style, it shows the questions and confusion of senior year with students from various cliques.
To be honest, it took me awhile to decide if I actually liked the film. I left with an odd feeling I could not quite place. It was really nice to know that I wasn't the only one who struggled with graduating and trying to find where I belonged, that I was not alone in my search for a life path in that sudden thrust into adulthood. I enjoyed the overall production, thought it was creatively done, and resonated with the connection it was trying to make.
My dad asked what the message was or if it even had one (because some indie films "are trying to make a point about pointlessness") and it got me to thinking about what I saw:
Teenagers aren't just self-absorbed brats who need a good slap of reality. But they can be. Life transitioning from high school to college is hard. Everyone has to answer core personal questions despite social class/status, clique, or conviction. Relationships are dangerous. Teenagers do indeed know the meaning of "pressure" whether they recognize and/or handle it well or not.
Not groundless points, but I finally placed the missing piece to my weighty feeling.
What my general impression boiled down to was a sense that "there is no answer." Or rather, "there are more questions than answers and that identity is in what you do. Everyone needs a sense of belonging and you find it in what you like and who you are is a coincidence." Too many things are easy to relate to and yet very untrue. Experiences color our philosophies and although they can lead us to and reinforce truth, they are not a solid foundation.
Like how a sister's suicide cannot tell you how to handle pressure any more than how others treat us defines our worth. Or another deception like just because you can get away with it, it's okay. Like what it really boils down to is what college we attend. Like conforming is the only way to belong. Like rebelling is the only way to be yourself. Like there are limits to who you are and what you can do based on anything other than your choices.
Those kinds of experiences. Cannot. Define. Us. I think what we associate with is an extremely dangerous choice. What do we empathize with, what do we love, what do we loathe? What drives us? Do I nod my head the whole way through because high school is so all-that-drama or because deep down inside I still am searching? Where's my honesty level at? How much of my life is performance? Of course I need people, crave connection, but is the desire connection or identity?
As I climb down off my self-implicating soapbox, let me return to my appreciation of the movie.
Hannah was definitely the "character" I identified with-- quirky, opinionated, angsty, artsy, silly, awkward... She dances around the living room, "Turn it up man, turn it up!" She holds up tough talking about her mom's depression and then breaks down into sobs over saying goodbye to her best friend. She doesn't do crowds well but when she makes a connection, she gives her whole self. Her greatest fear is probably being "too much" and then again, greater than that is the fear of not being true to herself, of waking up one day and saying, "I don't know me."
So take it with a grain of salt-- an aware mind and an open heart are both essential tools for breaking this struggle down. For my part, I savored the personal evaluation.
//...We've all got bad yearbook photos which we forgot to let go and just like acne our insecurity should be something we left with the jv. So here's to letting go of yearbook photos, things we kept that hold us down. So. That was yesterday, there's always tomorrow. We are tomorrow, we are tomorrow//
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