Things here aren't easy but the Lord is providing... I can't even explain how much. Financially, yes. Spiritually, yes. I'm not going to be the kind that fakes it and has religious lines for everything. So in my honesty I'll admit that my faith is maybe the size of a mustard seed... "Let it be done unto you according to your faith..." I've noticed that His economics are different than mine. Cool by me, man.
Yesterday I was finishing up my assigned reading in 2 Samuel of the story of David. His son Absalom attempted to dethrone him but David still said "Deal gently with [him]." At one point, Absalom's counselors, Ahithophel and Hushai, each gave him different advice. Ahithophel's advice would have been a wiser choice but "then Absalom and all the men of Israel said, 'The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel.' For the Lord had ordained [purposed, in the NKJV] to thwart the good counsel of Ahithophel, so that the Lord might bring calamity on Absalom." (1 Samuel 17:14)
The Lord ordained the confusion of David's enemies--why? Because He had anointed and appointed him to be a successful king and God always backs up His promises. If you don't believe it-- just look at my life.
He brought me to His banqueting table,
And His banner over me is love.
I am my Beloved's and He is mine;
His banner over me is love.
We can feel the love of God in this place:
We believe Your goodness; We receive Your grace.
We delight ourselves at Your table, O God.
You do all things well: just look at our lives.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Wasting Away On A Sunny Day...
Sometimes I feel as if when I'm not doing something, I am being lazy, not earning my keep. For some reason, there is this paradigm in my life that dictates to me that responsibility is a burden meant to be heavy and, well, burdensome. There's a kingdom-principle that I think God is letting me learn (that I most certainly do not yet have down) that it is okay to rest. Why is it that I feel the need to be incessantly stressed? Why does relaxing feel like laziness instead of a way of life? I do not want to be a stretched, uptight person. That is not really who I am when it comes down to it but for some reason, the further I get away from God, the more I live like so.
It is being revealed to me how the drive to earn my place is an issue of a slave-mentality. The Israelites had to learn in the desert what their position with God was. In the wilderness, the in-between land, the place of preparation, the chosen and anointed had to learn what their calling meant. Redding is a desert of sorts for me. Mind you, it is far more green than most and I am not truly alone out here. I have all the conveniences of running water (Holy Spirit) and manna (revelation) but the desert is in the difficulties, the dry places, the intense battle of faith and fear.
A dear friend from home and I were talking the other day about how reality truly is not an easy place to live out all that God is doing. Too much is going on and it's far more dead-man-natural to be wound tight and live out of an insatiable need to get ahead. As I began to tell him what Holy Spirit revealed to me about his life, I realized it applied for my own as well. God has many people in my life (especially those close to me) in various areas of struggle and growth. A majority of us feel like we are in the in-between land, as if something will change but it has definitely not happened yet. What was so revelatory to me is how essential genuine rest is to daily life. The Sabbath is not a joke; it is a life-principle. It is not a legalistic, another-rule-for-the-book either. Busyness is not forbidden and laziness is. But I have never known genuine trust to come out of a place of works or stress either. Trust is in the letting go, the sigh of release, the I've-done-my-part-and-I-know-God-will-do-His.
As trite as it may seem, this song keeps coming up in my life and even though the whole idea in it is not one I'd express for myself, I enjoy the way it works as a soundtrack to me releasing my worries and joys to the Creative One.
Yeah, I've been out of work;
It's been a long time and I'm down to my last dime,
Sitting on the beach with the sand in my feet.
I'm soaking up the sunshine.
Maybe I should care, but I don't.
I don't know what to tell ya.
Yeah, I'm wasted down here in California.
I woke up this morning: it's way past 10
Another day, here we go again:
Thinking about all the things that I got to do;
Its a whole lot of nothing.
I should get a job, but I won't.
I wouldn't want to spoil this,
Hanging out every day
and I'm loving every minute of it.
I live in California--wasting away on a sunny day.
I live down in California--I don't mind just feeling fine.
Wearing the same old torn up t-shirt
and its giving me a sunburn.
I got no where to go and I got nothing to show.
Yeah, but it could be worse.
Maybe I should care, but I don't;
I don't know what to tell ya.
I'm wasting down here in California.
It is being revealed to me how the drive to earn my place is an issue of a slave-mentality. The Israelites had to learn in the desert what their position with God was. In the wilderness, the in-between land, the place of preparation, the chosen and anointed had to learn what their calling meant. Redding is a desert of sorts for me. Mind you, it is far more green than most and I am not truly alone out here. I have all the conveniences of running water (Holy Spirit) and manna (revelation) but the desert is in the difficulties, the dry places, the intense battle of faith and fear.
A dear friend from home and I were talking the other day about how reality truly is not an easy place to live out all that God is doing. Too much is going on and it's far more dead-man-natural to be wound tight and live out of an insatiable need to get ahead. As I began to tell him what Holy Spirit revealed to me about his life, I realized it applied for my own as well. God has many people in my life (especially those close to me) in various areas of struggle and growth. A majority of us feel like we are in the in-between land, as if something will change but it has definitely not happened yet. What was so revelatory to me is how essential genuine rest is to daily life. The Sabbath is not a joke; it is a life-principle. It is not a legalistic, another-rule-for-the-book either. Busyness is not forbidden and laziness is. But I have never known genuine trust to come out of a place of works or stress either. Trust is in the letting go, the sigh of release, the I've-done-my-part-and-I-know-God-will-do-His.
As trite as it may seem, this song keeps coming up in my life and even though the whole idea in it is not one I'd express for myself, I enjoy the way it works as a soundtrack to me releasing my worries and joys to the Creative One.
Yeah, I've been out of work;
It's been a long time and I'm down to my last dime,
Sitting on the beach with the sand in my feet.
I'm soaking up the sunshine.
Maybe I should care, but I don't.
I don't know what to tell ya.
Yeah, I'm wasted down here in California.
I woke up this morning: it's way past 10
Another day, here we go again:
Thinking about all the things that I got to do;
Its a whole lot of nothing.
I should get a job, but I won't.
I wouldn't want to spoil this,
Hanging out every day
and I'm loving every minute of it.
I live in California--wasting away on a sunny day.
I live down in California--I don't mind just feeling fine.
Wearing the same old torn up t-shirt
and its giving me a sunburn.
I got no where to go and I got nothing to show.
Yeah, but it could be worse.
Maybe I should care, but I don't;
I don't know what to tell ya.
I'm wasting down here in California.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Second Star To The Right & Straight On To Maturity
“All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this: One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs. Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!’” Peter Pan.
Never have I felt so ill-equipped in my life. The first month in Redding was probably one of the hardest times in my life, but every day still felt like an adventure. Now that I am settled in for the long-haul, the shiny-new sparkle of it all is fading. You know that favorite pair of sneakers you have? (Okay, you might not have them, but I do). They were really cool when they were brand new and then there's a stage where they are just shoes, nothing fancy and mostly functional. Yet even further than that, there is a point where the sneakers are worn, comfortable, and have such an air of familiarity that throwing them out is not an option. Okay, life is in the in-between stage for me. California is still beautiful, but the adventure is fading. The initial infatuation, lovey-dovey feeling is now mostly functional: a stepping stone to get to the greener grass.
"Where am I going?" I find myself asking far too often. Others here wonder, "What are you doing when you finish first year?" Right. Like I know. Ask God; maybe He'll tell you (and feel free to pass it on). My brain races with thousands of ideas, from working, college, moving to a random city, a mission trip, although I find myself shaking my head at the idea of moving back home for good, which is odd, considering the level of homesickness is off the charts some days.
"What am I doing?" is a follow-up question. I had a conversation last night about growing up and how it's basically the hardest thing next to diamonds and I was given the most hopeful observance ever: "Feeling like things are above your maturity level never ends." A deep pause took place in me when I heard that. It makes sense, after all. We can never be fully prepared for everything and feel capable to handle all that life tosses our way. Like Benjamin Franklin said, “Our whole life is but a greater and longer childhood.”
A little update on life since August: I've had two people in my life pass away, a couple issues with people dear to me, a lot of open heart surgery between me and Holy Spirit, adjusting to a new location, I moved out, had my job plan fall through, found a new job, lost the new job and found another (teacher's aide), still figuring out a new situation for an evening job, nearly got fired from Starbucks, I'm learning to deal with my own finances, and on top of all that, I just plain miss my family. Oh right: and then there's daily living with people and the fun that comes with it: new friends, Cowboys games, movie marathons, plays, Monday night potluck, parties, and countless other things.
Recently I have especially found myself feeling less and less worthy to deal with different situations in life, especially when I cannot make the answers equal out. Today I had to rearrange my own schedule (oh so dreadful, I know), talk to my manager about changing jobs and possibly quitting, and get a shot for a TB test for the school district. If you know me at all, you know I hate needles. Hate, as in dreadful fear. I went alone and felt like I was being sentenced to death and taxes. I had a pretty decent outward calm but I was screaming with every moment in the waiting room and I nearly cried when the doctor asked, "How are you?" My eyes swam when he grabbed my arm to poke it and then it was over. All the melodrama and terrified anticipation left me tense and I felt silly. There. I'd faced it. So why did I still want to come home and sob when Rachel asked how it went?
I'm learning so much: The next time I have to be sick without my mom, I know that I need people. When someone passes away and the world overwhelms me, I still need people. When I'm just tired and feeling overwhelmed and way too young, I still need people. I guess I just figured that one day I'll "grow up" and not need anyone anymore, but I get it now. The more independent and needless I feel, the more I have that seven year-old complex of knowing it all. Somehow, though, I am also to balance my imagination, dreams, adventure, and idealism with the "weightier" issues of responsibility and reality. It really is the childish versus the childlike; they are not one and the same. After all... '[Jesus] said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.' (Matthew 18:3-4)
Hm, "like little children." But then: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Corinthians 13:11). So sometimes being childlike is okay, but then childish actions and thoughts are to be put away. It goes on to explain in the next chapter pretty well, I think. "Stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. (1 Corinthians 14:20). There is an innocence credited to childhood that is good and healthy, a purity of heart, a faith in the impossible, the humility of having to trust. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." (Matthew 5:8) It's a purity that I'm after, not an abstinence. I am not into restraint, but freedom. Who needs more rules? That, my friends, is the beauty of living from love, not for it. I am made in the image of God; I am learning to live like it:
"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as he is." (1 John 3:2)
Never have I felt so ill-equipped in my life. The first month in Redding was probably one of the hardest times in my life, but every day still felt like an adventure. Now that I am settled in for the long-haul, the shiny-new sparkle of it all is fading. You know that favorite pair of sneakers you have? (Okay, you might not have them, but I do). They were really cool when they were brand new and then there's a stage where they are just shoes, nothing fancy and mostly functional. Yet even further than that, there is a point where the sneakers are worn, comfortable, and have such an air of familiarity that throwing them out is not an option. Okay, life is in the in-between stage for me. California is still beautiful, but the adventure is fading. The initial infatuation, lovey-dovey feeling is now mostly functional: a stepping stone to get to the greener grass.
"Where am I going?" I find myself asking far too often. Others here wonder, "What are you doing when you finish first year?" Right. Like I know. Ask God; maybe He'll tell you (and feel free to pass it on). My brain races with thousands of ideas, from working, college, moving to a random city, a mission trip, although I find myself shaking my head at the idea of moving back home for good, which is odd, considering the level of homesickness is off the charts some days.
"What am I doing?" is a follow-up question. I had a conversation last night about growing up and how it's basically the hardest thing next to diamonds and I was given the most hopeful observance ever: "Feeling like things are above your maturity level never ends." A deep pause took place in me when I heard that. It makes sense, after all. We can never be fully prepared for everything and feel capable to handle all that life tosses our way. Like Benjamin Franklin said, “Our whole life is but a greater and longer childhood.”
A little update on life since August: I've had two people in my life pass away, a couple issues with people dear to me, a lot of open heart surgery between me and Holy Spirit, adjusting to a new location, I moved out, had my job plan fall through, found a new job, lost the new job and found another (teacher's aide), still figuring out a new situation for an evening job, nearly got fired from Starbucks, I'm learning to deal with my own finances, and on top of all that, I just plain miss my family. Oh right: and then there's daily living with people and the fun that comes with it: new friends, Cowboys games, movie marathons, plays, Monday night potluck, parties, and countless other things.
Recently I have especially found myself feeling less and less worthy to deal with different situations in life, especially when I cannot make the answers equal out. Today I had to rearrange my own schedule (oh so dreadful, I know), talk to my manager about changing jobs and possibly quitting, and get a shot for a TB test for the school district. If you know me at all, you know I hate needles. Hate, as in dreadful fear. I went alone and felt like I was being sentenced to death and taxes. I had a pretty decent outward calm but I was screaming with every moment in the waiting room and I nearly cried when the doctor asked, "How are you?" My eyes swam when he grabbed my arm to poke it and then it was over. All the melodrama and terrified anticipation left me tense and I felt silly. There. I'd faced it. So why did I still want to come home and sob when Rachel asked how it went?
I'm learning so much: The next time I have to be sick without my mom, I know that I need people. When someone passes away and the world overwhelms me, I still need people. When I'm just tired and feeling overwhelmed and way too young, I still need people. I guess I just figured that one day I'll "grow up" and not need anyone anymore, but I get it now. The more independent and needless I feel, the more I have that seven year-old complex of knowing it all. Somehow, though, I am also to balance my imagination, dreams, adventure, and idealism with the "weightier" issues of responsibility and reality. It really is the childish versus the childlike; they are not one and the same. After all... '[Jesus] said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.' (Matthew 18:3-4)
Hm, "like little children." But then: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Corinthians 13:11). So sometimes being childlike is okay, but then childish actions and thoughts are to be put away. It goes on to explain in the next chapter pretty well, I think. "Stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. (1 Corinthians 14:20). There is an innocence credited to childhood that is good and healthy, a purity of heart, a faith in the impossible, the humility of having to trust. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." (Matthew 5:8) It's a purity that I'm after, not an abstinence. I am not into restraint, but freedom. Who needs more rules? That, my friends, is the beauty of living from love, not for it. I am made in the image of God; I am learning to live like it:
"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as he is." (1 John 3:2)
Friday, November 9, 2007
Israel & Other Impossibilities
I cannot restrain myself for explanation: I'M GOING TO ISRAEL!!! There were only a few spots on the trip and somehow God saw fit to give me one! I cannot even believe it!! I just got the email a few moments ago confirming that I am in and also that the down payment is due on the 28th (so, it's crazy soon that He will provide something). My mind is blown; I had totally reconciled myself to Mexico if need be.
It is past due time for an update; life has been a blur, to say the least. I will not even attempt to catch up the details on a series of events so incredible that I must say, I am no longer myself. Or at least, I have yet to recover myself, for in this ceaseless spin, I feel like the child on the merry-go-round letting objects fly in countless directions.
Firstly, I need to request prayer for the Garcia family, the lovely people I had been working for in the mornings for over a month now. Mrs. Garcia passed away on Friday, leaving behind a husband and five year-old daughter. All prayers of peace, comfort, and wisdom are welcome. When I found out on Saturday, I truly did not know what to do. I felt very lost and home felt further away than it ever has. I could not run to my mom for comfort and I could not crawl close to my daddy and cry. No one had answers and no one's hug held the solace for the confusion in my heart. I was in shock, to say the least, among other questions of availability for her daughter and financial provision for myself. Other things factored in emotions that day (too many and complex to explain) but I found myself pleading to God, "Can't I just run away? Is there ever a time where I can just make it disappear behind me?"
I felt a soft affirmation, almost an invitation. "Yeah, come join Me."
"Really? Where?"
He reminded me of a park on my way to work so I dressed in uniform, grabbed what I needed, and met my Friend for a talk. I spread my blanket out under an autumn-arrayed tree and breathed in a breath of cool fall breeze. The drive there had already done wonders for my nerves (there is something therapeutic in the combination of a beautiful day and a sunroof). There, I found myself reminded not of the worries and confusion edging at my mind all day, but as I wrote in my journal the events of the past couple of weeks, I saw a trend of peace and joy unnatural to myself in chaos. Despite times of tension, a prevailing sense of victory graced my outline. I found myself giggling in delight in spite of myself. And then He showed me this:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:23-25)
I called my roommate Rachel and told her what I had found and shared my encouragement with her. Then He and I talked some more and an assurance that I was taken care of settled on me. It is definitely a practice to learn, living in the comfort of faith and not evidence. It is beyond my mind and yet, I really shun the reality my mind is prone to: if the impossible is not possible, it is all clockwork and my life merely a tick in eternity. Superior truth, however, certainly dictates differently.
As well as Saturday went, and as much as that sense of peace followed me (with breaks of questioning, natural to my growth), yesterday I received a call that nearly pounded the coffin into my sanity. My mom said there was no way for me to get home to Texas for my Thanksgiving break, no flights whatsoever. There is a great deal of complication and back-and-forth in all of this, but I found out this morning that I will, however, make it to Alabama for family gathering. I am elated to see my family, although I have to admit my heart broke over my friends and the plans we had already formed--great adventures, of course. The seesaw of relief and disappointment has been quite the hurricane of the latter weeks, but I am finding the more in tune I am with Him, the less circumstances affect me. It is not an accomplishment or destination, but a process with a lot of steep mistakes along the way. The reality that He is my Comfort and Provision is not a simple, easy thing to grasp, but perhaps it is the reality that I am here to learn.
Prayer Request: continued peace, job provision, and mission trip finances
It is past due time for an update; life has been a blur, to say the least. I will not even attempt to catch up the details on a series of events so incredible that I must say, I am no longer myself. Or at least, I have yet to recover myself, for in this ceaseless spin, I feel like the child on the merry-go-round letting objects fly in countless directions.
Firstly, I need to request prayer for the Garcia family, the lovely people I had been working for in the mornings for over a month now. Mrs. Garcia passed away on Friday, leaving behind a husband and five year-old daughter. All prayers of peace, comfort, and wisdom are welcome. When I found out on Saturday, I truly did not know what to do. I felt very lost and home felt further away than it ever has. I could not run to my mom for comfort and I could not crawl close to my daddy and cry. No one had answers and no one's hug held the solace for the confusion in my heart. I was in shock, to say the least, among other questions of availability for her daughter and financial provision for myself. Other things factored in emotions that day (too many and complex to explain) but I found myself pleading to God, "Can't I just run away? Is there ever a time where I can just make it disappear behind me?"
I felt a soft affirmation, almost an invitation. "Yeah, come join Me."
"Really? Where?"
He reminded me of a park on my way to work so I dressed in uniform, grabbed what I needed, and met my Friend for a talk. I spread my blanket out under an autumn-arrayed tree and breathed in a breath of cool fall breeze. The drive there had already done wonders for my nerves (there is something therapeutic in the combination of a beautiful day and a sunroof). There, I found myself reminded not of the worries and confusion edging at my mind all day, but as I wrote in my journal the events of the past couple of weeks, I saw a trend of peace and joy unnatural to myself in chaos. Despite times of tension, a prevailing sense of victory graced my outline. I found myself giggling in delight in spite of myself. And then He showed me this:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:23-25)
I called my roommate Rachel and told her what I had found and shared my encouragement with her. Then He and I talked some more and an assurance that I was taken care of settled on me. It is definitely a practice to learn, living in the comfort of faith and not evidence. It is beyond my mind and yet, I really shun the reality my mind is prone to: if the impossible is not possible, it is all clockwork and my life merely a tick in eternity. Superior truth, however, certainly dictates differently.
As well as Saturday went, and as much as that sense of peace followed me (with breaks of questioning, natural to my growth), yesterday I received a call that nearly pounded the coffin into my sanity. My mom said there was no way for me to get home to Texas for my Thanksgiving break, no flights whatsoever. There is a great deal of complication and back-and-forth in all of this, but I found out this morning that I will, however, make it to Alabama for family gathering. I am elated to see my family, although I have to admit my heart broke over my friends and the plans we had already formed--great adventures, of course. The seesaw of relief and disappointment has been quite the hurricane of the latter weeks, but I am finding the more in tune I am with Him, the less circumstances affect me. It is not an accomplishment or destination, but a process with a lot of steep mistakes along the way. The reality that He is my Comfort and Provision is not a simple, easy thing to grasp, but perhaps it is the reality that I am here to learn.
Prayer Request: continued peace, job provision, and mission trip finances
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Full Speed Ahead
Quite some time has passed since my last entry, but I do not know what to say. If I can ever figure out how to begin, then I find myself rambling about all the silliness of life. Like how last night I ate vegetable soup and saltine crackers because everyone around me felt sick, so I need soup. (Katrina and Rachel were both feeling a bit under the weather; they are better today). Or how Katrina and I erupted into the chorus of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" for no apparent reason. Or how Kari's Aussie friend left with me saying "too-moor-ooh" instead of "tomorrow."
My morning job is going well; Starbucks is still more of an annoyance than anything, but that is okay. It is working out now and I am enjoying the freedom of having my evenings open. I have to choose a lifegroup next week and I am so nervous! I have yet to even work up the courage to visit; it is not easy to show up to a group of strangers and pray for chemistry to happen. However, I am praying about taking the SOZO course next time they offer it (it filled up yesterday). I think it would be beneficial to learn how to do inner healing when I am on my mission trip.
Oh right! We got our lists of missons this last week and that day I registered for my top 5 choices: 1, Israel; 2, South Africa; 3, Middle East; 4, Mozambique; 5, Kenya. Numbers one and three are actually potentially very dangerous (how exciting!) and obviously ones I'm very interested in. Kari and I joked, "If I'm gonna die young, I might as well die at gunpoint." Of course, that is an immense exaggeration; I'm receiving the protection of Christ when I travel (and everyday, for that matter). Please be praying for the funds, though. The cost is high: the same as school tuition. Fortunately, I already have a passport (thank the parents, again) so I do not have to deal with that hassle. Here's the kicker: 10% of it ($320) has to be in by November 28th. They will let me know for sure by the ninth which trip I will be going on. So pray! Pray hard that the finances will come in; I trust He will provide for wherever He wants to send me.
I have had inquiries on how to support me here financially. I just talked to the office and here is how it would work: a check can be sent to Bethel Church - ATTN Kathy Valloton / 933 College View Dr. / Redding, CA 96003. Write the check to Bethel Church but do NOT put my name on it anywhere. Attach a sticky note that says: ATTN Kathy Valloton, this is for (my full name), 1st year BSSM student. There you can specify what you want it used toward: my tuition (I owe $700 on that), my mission trip (totals $3200), or just to my account generally. If you want it to be anonymous, specify that as well. As long as my name is not on the check, they can send you a tax receipt. *Whew* That was awfully administrative-ish. Totally not my natural thing. Just wanted to get that information out there so I can refer everyone to it.
Life has been wonderful, really. I am being stretched for sure; my emotions are pretty fried but bills are paid (praise God!) and I have plenty of food, friends, and Jesus. In addition, the weather has been phenomenal and I've enjoyed the Alabaster House (a 24 hour prayer room at Bethel) immensely. Well, I'm off to save seats! (I think Bill is speaking today; I want as close to middle center as possible!) Everyone have a beautiful day; enjoy your quiet moments and embrace your crazy ones!
Prayer requests: providence for mission trip & school tuition, continued grace for the changes in my life, and divine health over my apartment and school
My morning job is going well; Starbucks is still more of an annoyance than anything, but that is okay. It is working out now and I am enjoying the freedom of having my evenings open. I have to choose a lifegroup next week and I am so nervous! I have yet to even work up the courage to visit; it is not easy to show up to a group of strangers and pray for chemistry to happen. However, I am praying about taking the SOZO course next time they offer it (it filled up yesterday). I think it would be beneficial to learn how to do inner healing when I am on my mission trip.
Oh right! We got our lists of missons this last week and that day I registered for my top 5 choices: 1, Israel; 2, South Africa; 3, Middle East; 4, Mozambique; 5, Kenya. Numbers one and three are actually potentially very dangerous (how exciting!) and obviously ones I'm very interested in. Kari and I joked, "If I'm gonna die young, I might as well die at gunpoint." Of course, that is an immense exaggeration; I'm receiving the protection of Christ when I travel (and everyday, for that matter). Please be praying for the funds, though. The cost is high: the same as school tuition. Fortunately, I already have a passport (thank the parents, again) so I do not have to deal with that hassle. Here's the kicker: 10% of it ($320) has to be in by November 28th. They will let me know for sure by the ninth which trip I will be going on. So pray! Pray hard that the finances will come in; I trust He will provide for wherever He wants to send me.
I have had inquiries on how to support me here financially. I just talked to the office and here is how it would work: a check can be sent to Bethel Church - ATTN Kathy Valloton / 933 College View Dr. / Redding, CA 96003. Write the check to Bethel Church but do NOT put my name on it anywhere. Attach a sticky note that says: ATTN Kathy Valloton, this is for (my full name), 1st year BSSM student. There you can specify what you want it used toward: my tuition (I owe $700 on that), my mission trip (totals $3200), or just to my account generally. If you want it to be anonymous, specify that as well. As long as my name is not on the check, they can send you a tax receipt. *Whew* That was awfully administrative-ish. Totally not my natural thing. Just wanted to get that information out there so I can refer everyone to it.
Life has been wonderful, really. I am being stretched for sure; my emotions are pretty fried but bills are paid (praise God!) and I have plenty of food, friends, and Jesus. In addition, the weather has been phenomenal and I've enjoyed the Alabaster House (a 24 hour prayer room at Bethel) immensely. Well, I'm off to save seats! (I think Bill is speaking today; I want as close to middle center as possible!) Everyone have a beautiful day; enjoy your quiet moments and embrace your crazy ones!
Prayer requests: providence for mission trip & school tuition, continued grace for the changes in my life, and divine health over my apartment and school
Monday, September 24, 2007
Mind Over Bladder-- I mean, Matter
"On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, 'If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.' By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified."
- John 7:37-39
Today a revolutionary observation was shared with me by way of a question. (The Socratic method might be eternal; I actually think God invented it. Go figure). It was this: What is the Holy Spirit's role? A few words came to mind, like relationship, comfort, intercessor, etc. Isn't it to make us look more like Jesus? I thought about it a moment or two, "It is. It really is." If His job description is to make us look like Jesus, why would He come when Jesus was still bound by humanity? Does it not seem like Holy Spirit would wait until Jesus was seated next to Father, looking like Father, exercising His authority, living His role--- being glorified?
We were originally created to be in the image of God. (Genesis 1:26) Jesus came to restore a Kingdom and us to our rightful roles. (Luke 22:28-30) Holy Spirit is welcome when we live in the faith-knowledge that Jesus is Lord; He is risen; He is the Son of God.
Chew on that for awhile. Yeah, that's how I have felt all week.
My mailbox is my happy place. I've received a few letters over the past couple of weeks and have enjoyed it immensely. Some made me laugh out loud, others drew tears, and all have made me so grateful. I cannot even express how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I do. It is not normal, it is not flippant or common; it is blessing and extravagance: as simple as that. I do not by any means deserve it but that is the "extravagant" part. Thank you, all of you, for your prayers, your letters, or whatever method of support you employ. I pray the blessing lavishly returned to you.
The first week of school is finished. Finished is an odd word. But there is very much a clash of birth and death, beginning and ending, crucifixion and resurrection in this revival-stirring. I get the feeling that I am learning how much I do not know and that is probably the best thing for me ever. There just seems like some Kingdom paradoxical principle in the wisdom of knowing that I know nothing. I know that sounds insane and much sounds crazy to me but the crazier spiritual stuff sounds, the more insane living in my own reason comes to be as well. Even "spiritual" can be a misleading word if you do not know the Spirit as real as I am coming to realize He is (very much still grasping, by the way). My head is completely turned on; I did not check my brain at the door going into class. In fact, my reason still gets in the way, my brain still says "potty break!" right when it's getting good, and my unbelief clouds my vision far too frequently. But let me tell you this: I tell my reason to go to the feet of Jesus and be purified, I remind my brain that it controls my bladder and not vice versa, and I tell unbelief to go to the feet of Jesus never to return because I will not partner with anything even whispering against my Love.
In other news, an undeniable miracle occurred today. Money multiplied, or rather appeared from nothing. Literally. One of my roommates prayed during service to God that she wanted to give an offering to bless the speaker, but she had emptied her wallet for tithe this morning. Fervently praying for God to multiply everything in the bags, she felt the nudge to check her wallet again (that she absolutely knew was empty). When she unfolded it, there was $90. She has not had that much cash in her wallet in over a month. She put it all in the offering.
Um--- HOW COOL!
That's all.
Prayer requests: the spirit of revelation, a genuine heart, genuine growth, and a genuine Holy Spirit encounter
- John 7:37-39
Today a revolutionary observation was shared with me by way of a question. (The Socratic method might be eternal; I actually think God invented it. Go figure). It was this: What is the Holy Spirit's role? A few words came to mind, like relationship, comfort, intercessor, etc. Isn't it to make us look more like Jesus? I thought about it a moment or two, "It is. It really is." If His job description is to make us look like Jesus, why would He come when Jesus was still bound by humanity? Does it not seem like Holy Spirit would wait until Jesus was seated next to Father, looking like Father, exercising His authority, living His role--- being glorified?
We were originally created to be in the image of God. (Genesis 1:26) Jesus came to restore a Kingdom and us to our rightful roles. (Luke 22:28-30) Holy Spirit is welcome when we live in the faith-knowledge that Jesus is Lord; He is risen; He is the Son of God.
Chew on that for awhile. Yeah, that's how I have felt all week.
My mailbox is my happy place. I've received a few letters over the past couple of weeks and have enjoyed it immensely. Some made me laugh out loud, others drew tears, and all have made me so grateful. I cannot even express how blessed I am to have the family and friends that I do. It is not normal, it is not flippant or common; it is blessing and extravagance: as simple as that. I do not by any means deserve it but that is the "extravagant" part. Thank you, all of you, for your prayers, your letters, or whatever method of support you employ. I pray the blessing lavishly returned to you.
The first week of school is finished. Finished is an odd word. But there is very much a clash of birth and death, beginning and ending, crucifixion and resurrection in this revival-stirring. I get the feeling that I am learning how much I do not know and that is probably the best thing for me ever. There just seems like some Kingdom paradoxical principle in the wisdom of knowing that I know nothing. I know that sounds insane and much sounds crazy to me but the crazier spiritual stuff sounds, the more insane living in my own reason comes to be as well. Even "spiritual" can be a misleading word if you do not know the Spirit as real as I am coming to realize He is (very much still grasping, by the way). My head is completely turned on; I did not check my brain at the door going into class. In fact, my reason still gets in the way, my brain still says "potty break!" right when it's getting good, and my unbelief clouds my vision far too frequently. But let me tell you this: I tell my reason to go to the feet of Jesus and be purified, I remind my brain that it controls my bladder and not vice versa, and I tell unbelief to go to the feet of Jesus never to return because I will not partner with anything even whispering against my Love.
In other news, an undeniable miracle occurred today. Money multiplied, or rather appeared from nothing. Literally. One of my roommates prayed during service to God that she wanted to give an offering to bless the speaker, but she had emptied her wallet for tithe this morning. Fervently praying for God to multiply everything in the bags, she felt the nudge to check her wallet again (that she absolutely knew was empty). When she unfolded it, there was $90. She has not had that much cash in her wallet in over a month. She put it all in the offering.
Um--- HOW COOL!
That's all.
Prayer requests: the spirit of revelation, a genuine heart, genuine growth, and a genuine Holy Spirit encounter
Monday, September 17, 2007
Slouching & Other Activities
So I have this wretched habit of slouching and it puts such pressure on my lower back! I just realized that my last hour online has been spent with one foot tucked under the other knee, my back slumped, with spontaneous adjustments according to emotions. I am not sure why I thought you would find that interesting but it was on my mind at the moment and I'm the one in control of the words on this page. So there you go.
Of course, that is pretty much the only thing I have control of, which may be why I am exploiting it to such moronic proportions (this very exaggeration included). This morning I received notice from my manager that my age affects the hours I am allowed to have in the lovely (sarcasm intended) state of California. I didn't really panic until I got home and let out a bit of emotion (in the form of tears that is; emotion just seeps through my pores on a constant basis). It was my first time to really cry here and I think I needed it more than I had previously realized. Anyway, it ended up working out: I did a little internet research and found that only a high school diploma is required to be eligible for the hours I need. However, I may have a second job offer, so be praying for that.
Other than that complication, work has been pretty good. I am becoming accustomed to a whole new group of people, location, store, methods, and expectations, but I supposed it is another of these marvelous character-building elements in this adventure I have titled "my life." The store opened on Friday and it is a cafe (no drive-thru!) which slows the pace down a bit (long shifts drag) but I am able to connect and converse with customers on a more personal basis, which is alot of fun and much more validating than the pressure of drive-thru expectations. California is a whole different ballgame as far as the people go and Redding in particular has its own colorful folk; it keeps the day interesting, certainly.
Classes begin tomorrow and the girls (that is, my roomies) and I are so excited about it! This morning over my lunch break I finished the first book we were asked to read, "Welcoming A Visitation Of The Holy Spirit." It was not a quick read, but worthwhile. Our next one is Benny Hinn's "Good Morning, Holy Spirit." Really, that's all I know to expect so far but my giddy anticipation grows every moment. Speaking of the Holy Spirit, He and I had an interesting time together on Friday night. I have never had the spirit of Laughter come over me before but that night it did and I was so disoriented that I found myself in tears as well! It is a regular practice around "these parts" to get completely wasted in the Spirit and I have to say it is by far the best (and most understandable) addiction I have ever seen in my life.
Well, I am off! Tonight is pumpkin pie making night and tomorrow night is "Breakfast At Tiffany's" with the girls. (Yes, I am having as much fun as it sounds!)
Prayer Request: creative financial provision, peace, and faith
PS: And pictures...
*The view from my room. It looks down over Sundial Bridge over the Sacramento River; if it were a moving picture and you looked to the right you would see Mt. Shasta settled in the Shasta Mts.
*My bedroom! Or rather, mine and Katrina's bedroom. Notice the books. =) And scarves. Evidence that I do, indeed, live here.
*My bed on the floor. Katrina's is pink. And another bookshelf thing.
*The bathroom, in case you were interested. And yes, that picture is upside down. Yes, it was on purpose. And yes, it was my idea.
*The darling roommates and myself. From left to right, Rachel, Kari, Katrina, and myself at In-n-Out, where I half-jokingly picked up an application.
Of course, that is pretty much the only thing I have control of, which may be why I am exploiting it to such moronic proportions (this very exaggeration included). This morning I received notice from my manager that my age affects the hours I am allowed to have in the lovely (sarcasm intended) state of California. I didn't really panic until I got home and let out a bit of emotion (in the form of tears that is; emotion just seeps through my pores on a constant basis). It was my first time to really cry here and I think I needed it more than I had previously realized. Anyway, it ended up working out: I did a little internet research and found that only a high school diploma is required to be eligible for the hours I need. However, I may have a second job offer, so be praying for that.
Other than that complication, work has been pretty good. I am becoming accustomed to a whole new group of people, location, store, methods, and expectations, but I supposed it is another of these marvelous character-building elements in this adventure I have titled "my life." The store opened on Friday and it is a cafe (no drive-thru!) which slows the pace down a bit (long shifts drag) but I am able to connect and converse with customers on a more personal basis, which is alot of fun and much more validating than the pressure of drive-thru expectations. California is a whole different ballgame as far as the people go and Redding in particular has its own colorful folk; it keeps the day interesting, certainly.
Classes begin tomorrow and the girls (that is, my roomies) and I are so excited about it! This morning over my lunch break I finished the first book we were asked to read, "Welcoming A Visitation Of The Holy Spirit." It was not a quick read, but worthwhile. Our next one is Benny Hinn's "Good Morning, Holy Spirit." Really, that's all I know to expect so far but my giddy anticipation grows every moment. Speaking of the Holy Spirit, He and I had an interesting time together on Friday night. I have never had the spirit of Laughter come over me before but that night it did and I was so disoriented that I found myself in tears as well! It is a regular practice around "these parts" to get completely wasted in the Spirit and I have to say it is by far the best (and most understandable) addiction I have ever seen in my life.
Well, I am off! Tonight is pumpkin pie making night and tomorrow night is "Breakfast At Tiffany's" with the girls. (Yes, I am having as much fun as it sounds!)
Prayer Request: creative financial provision, peace, and faith
PS: And pictures...
*The view from my room. It looks down over Sundial Bridge over the Sacramento River; if it were a moving picture and you looked to the right you would see Mt. Shasta settled in the Shasta Mts.
*My bedroom! Or rather, mine and Katrina's bedroom. Notice the books. =) And scarves. Evidence that I do, indeed, live here.
*My bed on the floor. Katrina's is pink. And another bookshelf thing.*The bathroom, in case you were interested. And yes, that picture is upside down. Yes, it was on purpose. And yes, it was my idea.
*The darling roommates and myself. From left to right, Rachel, Kari, Katrina, and myself at In-n-Out, where I half-jokingly picked up an application.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
And Then She Flew
A song by Josh Ritter has been my California-anthem so far; here are a couple lyrics:
"Going out to California, gonna let the water warm my clothes. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. Gonna trade the weather for the Western coast. No, don't cry, I'll be back and I'll bring the sun to shine in your eyes on your shoulders... Don't say the trip's been done a hundred thousand times 'cause this one is mine. So I will work at what work finds me and I will take what comfort I can get. I’ll be back when I’m good and ready. California doesn’t seem to think I’m ready yet."
I'm already feeling the warmth of a different Sun and I cannot wait to pack it up and bring it home; right now, I am enjoying soaking in the heat and pressure of spiritual revolution. Right now my internet connection is limited (we do not have wireless at the apartment yet) and I actually need to go; I am meeting my roommates for dinner at a family's house who has been a huge blessing to me so far here. I did want to update my faithful friends and prayer warriors at home, though.
The apartment is coming together well; it's feeling like home. (I'll post pictures soon; my camera and I are at odds). The view is spectacular. Jesus is stirring up some crazy stuff in my heart and I'm warning you guys: I'm about to jump off this cliff and never be the same. I'm an all-or-nothing person and this is my moment... I'm saying, "Yes."
Something on my mind has been where I will go next year; don't get me wrong: my heart is definitely here and involved in the present of what God is doing, but there is wisdom in planning. Ironically, the schools I am most interested in are extremely expensive and have minimal financial aid. I have been doing a little research into getting some scholarships essay-wise, but really I have no idea where to take my college application process. That's terrifying to me in so many ways! Please pray for undoubtable clarity and open doors for whatever and wherever God wants to take me.
Okay, I'm off! My apologies on the brief and flighty update; hopefully when our final roommate comes in tomorrow we can get this internet act together! Love and blessings of revelation.
Prayer Request: the financial means to live here and the money for tuition, direction with college applications, the follow-through on the transformation that is beginning
...
URGENT: Pray for our NATION! There is some crazy stuff happening in the spiritual realm that we need to fight for: protection and wisdom especially. We have no right to critique decisions if we are not doing everything we can to encourage the wise ones: that begins in prayer.
"Going out to California, gonna let the water warm my clothes. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. Gonna trade the weather for the Western coast. No, don't cry, I'll be back and I'll bring the sun to shine in your eyes on your shoulders... Don't say the trip's been done a hundred thousand times 'cause this one is mine. So I will work at what work finds me and I will take what comfort I can get. I’ll be back when I’m good and ready. California doesn’t seem to think I’m ready yet."
I'm already feeling the warmth of a different Sun and I cannot wait to pack it up and bring it home; right now, I am enjoying soaking in the heat and pressure of spiritual revolution. Right now my internet connection is limited (we do not have wireless at the apartment yet) and I actually need to go; I am meeting my roommates for dinner at a family's house who has been a huge blessing to me so far here. I did want to update my faithful friends and prayer warriors at home, though.
The apartment is coming together well; it's feeling like home. (I'll post pictures soon; my camera and I are at odds). The view is spectacular. Jesus is stirring up some crazy stuff in my heart and I'm warning you guys: I'm about to jump off this cliff and never be the same. I'm an all-or-nothing person and this is my moment... I'm saying, "Yes."
Something on my mind has been where I will go next year; don't get me wrong: my heart is definitely here and involved in the present of what God is doing, but there is wisdom in planning. Ironically, the schools I am most interested in are extremely expensive and have minimal financial aid. I have been doing a little research into getting some scholarships essay-wise, but really I have no idea where to take my college application process. That's terrifying to me in so many ways! Please pray for undoubtable clarity and open doors for whatever and wherever God wants to take me.
Okay, I'm off! My apologies on the brief and flighty update; hopefully when our final roommate comes in tomorrow we can get this internet act together! Love and blessings of revelation.
Prayer Request: the financial means to live here and the money for tuition, direction with college applications, the follow-through on the transformation that is beginning
...
URGENT: Pray for our NATION! There is some crazy stuff happening in the spiritual realm that we need to fight for: protection and wisdom especially. We have no right to critique decisions if we are not doing everything we can to encourage the wise ones: that begins in prayer.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Praise and Purpose
Glancing up at the title of my blog, I cannot help but wonder (haha) if it ought to be "wandering wonderer" instead of the reverse. By nature I am more of a wonderer than wanderer, and I think "wandering" is the adjective and wonderer is the noun. There's the overanalytical "wonderer" for you, but it also defines a bit of what God is doing with me right now. He certainly has a plan and I definitely do not know what it is exactly. I have purpose and vision, but no plan. Yesterday I told someone over a delicious plate of Thai food, "The further along I get in life, the older I become, the less answers I have." It's a new theme and a picturesque, terrifying place to be.
A dear friend and kindred spirit shared a set of verses with me that have fascinated in me in a curious, almost morbid sense. The Christian walk was never intended to be easy and I think even the term "walk" is deceptive. It certainly is more of a journey, with ups and downs, beautiful mountain peaks and dry deserts, the clear direction of Father and the echo of His purposeful silence. This chapter in 2 Corinthians really seems to outline that in verses 4-10:
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."
I think that is the gospel illustrated by life in several ways. It does not make promises of ease but it does have fulfillment. There are no guarantees for selfish satisfaction, but it does tell us that we can come to a place of "always rejoicing." The Great Paradox has been such a theme in the mysteries Father speaks to me; I see it here as well. And as I do my last packing and glance over all of the details I have attempted to organize and God has graciously taken care of, I realize that He is giving me the opportunity to live this adventure. It is important, I believe, to share and give praise to God for the prayers He answers. So often I do not even catch myself breezing past an answered prayer to the next worry on my list. Okay, are you ready to hear what God has done for me? He has kept His promise to fulfill every need and work all things out for good for those called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28):
1) A car.
-I needed some way to get from place to place and I knew my funds were limited. In the process of praying over what to do, my parents offered to help me out and alot of boring details aside, they are getting a great deal on a car from a family member. It's a gorgeous Jetta (I cannot WAIT to drive it). The only prerequisite was that I learn to drive a standard. That has been quite the experience (a phrase I am becoming used to repeating) but I seem to be catching on a bit. Daddy's been so patient with me and made it as low-stress as learning to drive such a contraption can be.
2) A place to live.
-Oh my! What craziness this has been. There were so many back-and-forth issues and swirling unknowns about expenses, washers and dryers, sewage bills, and numbers of bathrooms that multiple times I fell apart on my strong tower of a mother with a sobbing, "I don't know!" In the end, God worked out the rent to one that will stretch me time and work-wise, but will not kill me to earn. It will make me appreciate things, I am sure, that I've taken for granted, as I am already realizing. We are on the second story and rumor has it that we have one of the best views in the complex, overlooking a river. (I'll definitely confirm that with pictures). What a favor of God -- an unnecessary perk like a great view! That blesses my aesthetically-driven soul to praise.
3) A roommate.
-There has been so much back and forth on this area that I will not even attempt to describe it. Suffice to say, there have been almosts and fall-throughs on multiple occasions and it stretched my sanity to the obvious point of tears and the hilarious point of random frustrated noises. In this area God definitely did His own thing with little regard to my comfort and I am so glad that has been the case! With my comfort, I would have had a roommate in March when all of this really took flight. But now with His design, I have a roommate who convinces me more and more each day that God has an intent with this relationship. I have yet to meet any of the three girls that will be sharing a home with me and that's one of the question marks that makes me bounce with anticipation. I cannot wait to tell you how each of the beautiful souls I'm living with are exactly what we needed to live and grow with this year. Pray that the "unity" would really be apart of the community I participate in.
4) A way to transport my stuff.
-The drive to Redding from DFW is three days without stopping (and stops of course would be necessary) plus the gas and stops make it extremely expensive. We did some estimating and it would cost about $5000 for my parents and I to drive out with my stuff and for them to return. Obviously, a huge cost that we needed to cut down. Mom and I are now flying out tomorrow and we needed a way to ship my things out (also an expensive endeavor). We ended up discovering that some friends of ours could get a discount on shipping with FedEx and they graciously shared it with me, cutting the would-be shipping cost to $800 less. Let me tell you, that was such a relief.
5) A job.
-My sweet managers at my Starbucks at home had some difficulty making contacts in Redding and I ended up having to pick up the phone to get a job in line. It was not too easy to figure out where I needed to transfer into and who to talk to about it, but in my search for roommates, I stumbled across the name of a partner in Redding named Kara. She gave me a list of numbers and stores, which ended up leading me to a hiring manager named Andrea. She and I got along so well that she decided to put me in her store instead of another, so she will be my new manager. Not only that, I will have the opportunity to experience opening a cafe from scratch! Everything I hear about it sounds like an adventure and I'm so blessed that God set me up with a manager who is easy to talk to (I prayed for favor in this area too, because I've appreciated having a fun, easygoing manager).
6) A renewed sense of calling.
-Amidst all of the craziness of packing, leaving, and working out jobs/roommates/apartments/shipping I found myself feeling overwhelmed and the goodbyes and suspense wore on my spirit. Many times I found myself asking, "Is this it, God? Am I hearing You correctly? Are You sure?" I am leaving everything that I have ever known and loved, which is something I've always wanted the courage to do... I just never knew that it would cost so much. It truly is taking nearly everything out of me, but I am finding that it is worth being precisely where God wants me-- why would I ever want to live outside of His purpose? There is so much fulfillment on the windy mountain that I cannot help but wonder if Abraham amidst all of the raging questions, the uncertainty, the fear, and the sadness felt a sense of purpose that made it all worthwhile, if with every knock-kneed step he felt the weight of glory in fulfilling God's calling. Of course, Redding is its own altar, but God has called me there to make me a promise, not to ask me to sacrifice one and I am grateful that it is the case [at least for the moment]. But I am learning to be open to sacrifice all things and lay on the altar anything even threateningly dearer to my heart than Him, especially my security in surroundings and people.
Wow, and there I have typed out a novel for you to read. I apologize for the length, but it definitely shows how much God is doing! I could still go on forever but for the sake of my time and yours, I just have a bit more to say. In all this moving out and being told that I am learning to live on my own, I have found just how much I cannot do anything "on my own." Truly without the support of so many I would not have the strength of resolve to do this. Particularly, I have to mention that there truly is no "on my own." This year would not happen primarily without God of course, but a close second is my parents. Never have I seen parents more willing to sacrifice, to dare their child to dream and then dare to let go, to know that mistakes are inevitable but a part of the molding of a firm personal faith-- so I dedicate this moment of excitement and anticipation to them, because it would not have happened without all they are and have done. (Thank you both. I love you).
By no means do I feel as if I have arrived anywhere and I am praying the love-crazy prayer that I never feel comfortable without Him again. My next entry will come from Redding; Talk to you then!
Prayer request: I leave tomorrow so my prayer request is safety and a smooth transition, along with continuing to see God's hand as I seek His face.
A dear friend and kindred spirit shared a set of verses with me that have fascinated in me in a curious, almost morbid sense. The Christian walk was never intended to be easy and I think even the term "walk" is deceptive. It certainly is more of a journey, with ups and downs, beautiful mountain peaks and dry deserts, the clear direction of Father and the echo of His purposeful silence. This chapter in 2 Corinthians really seems to outline that in verses 4-10:
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."
I think that is the gospel illustrated by life in several ways. It does not make promises of ease but it does have fulfillment. There are no guarantees for selfish satisfaction, but it does tell us that we can come to a place of "always rejoicing." The Great Paradox has been such a theme in the mysteries Father speaks to me; I see it here as well. And as I do my last packing and glance over all of the details I have attempted to organize and God has graciously taken care of, I realize that He is giving me the opportunity to live this adventure. It is important, I believe, to share and give praise to God for the prayers He answers. So often I do not even catch myself breezing past an answered prayer to the next worry on my list. Okay, are you ready to hear what God has done for me? He has kept His promise to fulfill every need and work all things out for good for those called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28):
1) A car.
-I needed some way to get from place to place and I knew my funds were limited. In the process of praying over what to do, my parents offered to help me out and alot of boring details aside, they are getting a great deal on a car from a family member. It's a gorgeous Jetta (I cannot WAIT to drive it). The only prerequisite was that I learn to drive a standard. That has been quite the experience (a phrase I am becoming used to repeating) but I seem to be catching on a bit. Daddy's been so patient with me and made it as low-stress as learning to drive such a contraption can be.
2) A place to live.
-Oh my! What craziness this has been. There were so many back-and-forth issues and swirling unknowns about expenses, washers and dryers, sewage bills, and numbers of bathrooms that multiple times I fell apart on my strong tower of a mother with a sobbing, "I don't know!" In the end, God worked out the rent to one that will stretch me time and work-wise, but will not kill me to earn. It will make me appreciate things, I am sure, that I've taken for granted, as I am already realizing. We are on the second story and rumor has it that we have one of the best views in the complex, overlooking a river. (I'll definitely confirm that with pictures). What a favor of God -- an unnecessary perk like a great view! That blesses my aesthetically-driven soul to praise.
3) A roommate.
-There has been so much back and forth on this area that I will not even attempt to describe it. Suffice to say, there have been almosts and fall-throughs on multiple occasions and it stretched my sanity to the obvious point of tears and the hilarious point of random frustrated noises. In this area God definitely did His own thing with little regard to my comfort and I am so glad that has been the case! With my comfort, I would have had a roommate in March when all of this really took flight. But now with His design, I have a roommate who convinces me more and more each day that God has an intent with this relationship. I have yet to meet any of the three girls that will be sharing a home with me and that's one of the question marks that makes me bounce with anticipation. I cannot wait to tell you how each of the beautiful souls I'm living with are exactly what we needed to live and grow with this year. Pray that the "unity" would really be apart of the community I participate in.
4) A way to transport my stuff.
-The drive to Redding from DFW is three days without stopping (and stops of course would be necessary) plus the gas and stops make it extremely expensive. We did some estimating and it would cost about $5000 for my parents and I to drive out with my stuff and for them to return. Obviously, a huge cost that we needed to cut down. Mom and I are now flying out tomorrow and we needed a way to ship my things out (also an expensive endeavor). We ended up discovering that some friends of ours could get a discount on shipping with FedEx and they graciously shared it with me, cutting the would-be shipping cost to $800 less. Let me tell you, that was such a relief.
5) A job.
-My sweet managers at my Starbucks at home had some difficulty making contacts in Redding and I ended up having to pick up the phone to get a job in line. It was not too easy to figure out where I needed to transfer into and who to talk to about it, but in my search for roommates, I stumbled across the name of a partner in Redding named Kara. She gave me a list of numbers and stores, which ended up leading me to a hiring manager named Andrea. She and I got along so well that she decided to put me in her store instead of another, so she will be my new manager. Not only that, I will have the opportunity to experience opening a cafe from scratch! Everything I hear about it sounds like an adventure and I'm so blessed that God set me up with a manager who is easy to talk to (I prayed for favor in this area too, because I've appreciated having a fun, easygoing manager).
6) A renewed sense of calling.
-Amidst all of the craziness of packing, leaving, and working out jobs/roommates/apartments/shipping I found myself feeling overwhelmed and the goodbyes and suspense wore on my spirit. Many times I found myself asking, "Is this it, God? Am I hearing You correctly? Are You sure?" I am leaving everything that I have ever known and loved, which is something I've always wanted the courage to do... I just never knew that it would cost so much. It truly is taking nearly everything out of me, but I am finding that it is worth being precisely where God wants me-- why would I ever want to live outside of His purpose? There is so much fulfillment on the windy mountain that I cannot help but wonder if Abraham amidst all of the raging questions, the uncertainty, the fear, and the sadness felt a sense of purpose that made it all worthwhile, if with every knock-kneed step he felt the weight of glory in fulfilling God's calling. Of course, Redding is its own altar, but God has called me there to make me a promise, not to ask me to sacrifice one and I am grateful that it is the case [at least for the moment]. But I am learning to be open to sacrifice all things and lay on the altar anything even threateningly dearer to my heart than Him, especially my security in surroundings and people.
Wow, and there I have typed out a novel for you to read. I apologize for the length, but it definitely shows how much God is doing! I could still go on forever but for the sake of my time and yours, I just have a bit more to say. In all this moving out and being told that I am learning to live on my own, I have found just how much I cannot do anything "on my own." Truly without the support of so many I would not have the strength of resolve to do this. Particularly, I have to mention that there truly is no "on my own." This year would not happen primarily without God of course, but a close second is my parents. Never have I seen parents more willing to sacrifice, to dare their child to dream and then dare to let go, to know that mistakes are inevitable but a part of the molding of a firm personal faith-- so I dedicate this moment of excitement and anticipation to them, because it would not have happened without all they are and have done. (Thank you both. I love you).
By no means do I feel as if I have arrived anywhere and I am praying the love-crazy prayer that I never feel comfortable without Him again. My next entry will come from Redding; Talk to you then!
Prayer request: I leave tomorrow so my prayer request is safety and a smooth transition, along with continuing to see God's hand as I seek His face.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Introduction To An Adventure
Hello to the interested and amused public--
You have come to a very dangerous place-- a place where Rachel's head and heart leak out through words onto a screen to be read and over-analyzed by far too many people (Haha). No, really this is a place for me to maintain a bit of a flow for those that are interested to know how life in California is, immersed in the crazy adventure Jesus is inviting me into. I've been asked to let you know how I am, what I am learning, and what life is like so my goal is to keep a fairly regular update churning out. I highly doubt that I will continue to write over the next month, but once everything is settled "out there," you will know.
Bethel and California are less than a month out and the days are closing in quickly. I still do not have housing completely worked out, although I have potential roommates and a situation in the works. My job has not been transferred yet, but again, it is in the process. Right now, I am packing my room and labeling boxes for either Texas or California, knowing that many of my dear books will miss me for nine months or so. It was so difficult packing away Dostoevsky, Tolkien, and my other dear "friends" as they have become. (Lewis, however, along with some Dostoevsky, Dickens, and a few others are managing to run away to the West Coast with me). Nearly everything in life is changing right now, and it truly is a beautiful place to be. By no stretch of the imagination is it easy, but there is something about the windy mountain, something about the expanse of desert, something about the adventure of not knowing what's on the other side, that keeps me going.
The passion that has been simmering in me is this desire for awareness and change to occur in the broken region of Darfur. Oddly enough, some people know of the current state of events and simply are not motivated to even pray for this dying, hateful place. I am learning more about it as time goes on and hoping to get plugged in with aide and ministry in any way I can. (If you know of anything relating to this, please share it with me; I am very interested). I've been sharing this video from youtube.com that illustrates alot of what is happening over there:
Recently alot has been stirring up in my spiritually and trying to articulate it here would be nearly impossible, simply knowing that it would be misunderstood because I am only beginning to grasp it myself. My prayer life is this soup bowl with ambiguous vegetables and foreign spices that I never would have chosen, but somehow when Jesus stirs the pot, an aroma wafts through the air that smells much better than the zucchini does on its own. The meat is simply a desire for deeper; the nourishment, a growing faith in God's goodness; the spices, a passion for the nations and people that has so much further to go. Psalm 34:8 is in league with this crazy metaphor: "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." It is fascinating to me that the Lord's goodness is associated with refuge. Again and again I've found my comfort and my wake-up call in the stillness of worship, the desperation of repentance, and the loss of my comfort zone. May it always be so! I pray to have the grace in every situation to count it all joy, no matter the circumstances or the horizon.
Prayer Request: peace that surpasses all understanding and motivation to follow-through on passion.
You have come to a very dangerous place-- a place where Rachel's head and heart leak out through words onto a screen to be read and over-analyzed by far too many people (Haha). No, really this is a place for me to maintain a bit of a flow for those that are interested to know how life in California is, immersed in the crazy adventure Jesus is inviting me into. I've been asked to let you know how I am, what I am learning, and what life is like so my goal is to keep a fairly regular update churning out. I highly doubt that I will continue to write over the next month, but once everything is settled "out there," you will know.
Bethel and California are less than a month out and the days are closing in quickly. I still do not have housing completely worked out, although I have potential roommates and a situation in the works. My job has not been transferred yet, but again, it is in the process. Right now, I am packing my room and labeling boxes for either Texas or California, knowing that many of my dear books will miss me for nine months or so. It was so difficult packing away Dostoevsky, Tolkien, and my other dear "friends" as they have become. (Lewis, however, along with some Dostoevsky, Dickens, and a few others are managing to run away to the West Coast with me). Nearly everything in life is changing right now, and it truly is a beautiful place to be. By no stretch of the imagination is it easy, but there is something about the windy mountain, something about the expanse of desert, something about the adventure of not knowing what's on the other side, that keeps me going.
The passion that has been simmering in me is this desire for awareness and change to occur in the broken region of Darfur. Oddly enough, some people know of the current state of events and simply are not motivated to even pray for this dying, hateful place. I am learning more about it as time goes on and hoping to get plugged in with aide and ministry in any way I can. (If you know of anything relating to this, please share it with me; I am very interested). I've been sharing this video from youtube.com that illustrates alot of what is happening over there:
Recently alot has been stirring up in my spiritually and trying to articulate it here would be nearly impossible, simply knowing that it would be misunderstood because I am only beginning to grasp it myself. My prayer life is this soup bowl with ambiguous vegetables and foreign spices that I never would have chosen, but somehow when Jesus stirs the pot, an aroma wafts through the air that smells much better than the zucchini does on its own. The meat is simply a desire for deeper; the nourishment, a growing faith in God's goodness; the spices, a passion for the nations and people that has so much further to go. Psalm 34:8 is in league with this crazy metaphor: "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." It is fascinating to me that the Lord's goodness is associated with refuge. Again and again I've found my comfort and my wake-up call in the stillness of worship, the desperation of repentance, and the loss of my comfort zone. May it always be so! I pray to have the grace in every situation to count it all joy, no matter the circumstances or the horizon.
Prayer Request: peace that surpasses all understanding and motivation to follow-through on passion.
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